An evening in Dharwad....

We went to Dharwad last evening.We includes me,Ma,Pa,bro and Shashank.The immediate destination was a book exhibition on KCD grounds.We parked the car outside and walked on the red carpet(!) leading to the numerous stalls.I stepped inside the makeshift gate and I swear, the air ws different.Nothing else matters around when you enter the realm of undiscovered books. The excitement of a new book waiting to be opened is not only infectious(even my parents were enthralled!),it is highly exhilirating.I scanned through books on myriad topics, in a trance-like state, caring not whose foot I tread on.All I could see was books.Now isn't that a lovely way to spend an evening?Just the feel of new pages, the smell of a new book gets me all cheerful!My mum had a hard time searching for me in each and every stall.Once she'd see me flipping pages on feminism and the next instant I'd be contemplating to buy a book on and called 'Clairvoyance'.I discovered a bunch of new Indian authors.I ended up buying two books-'The best of Khalil Gibran' and 'Contemporary Indian short stories'.Shashank bought a Sherlock Holmes and innocently asked me later "Is Sherlock a girl or a boy?"Oh!He's so darn cute!

As yesterday happened to be Shivaratri, Mum suggested we go to Someshwara temple which houses Lord Shiva.So we picked up my bro(who did not accompany us to the book exhibition as he had to catch up with an old friend) from SDM engg college(which looked inviting, but there was no time!).We headed towards the temple and found out that there was no power supply.It suited me.

I don't know what it is about twilight.Or in particular, yesterday's. Is it the picturesque silhoutte of thorny, short trees or the gradual descension of another day?Probably it was more captivating with the accompaniment of my father's mellow nostalgia as he remembered his parents and his childhood, the adolescent games with his brothers.But there was something about that twilight that I'll remember for years to come.I never really bothered the queue for the darshan and the subsequent uninspiring act.I've always been a pagan since the time I could remember.I don't believe that any carved stone can demand as much respect as Mother Nature can with a single whiff of orchid-scented breeze.I had things to pray for and things to feel grateful about.I did.But it was a one-on-one with God.I mean, just imagine how busy God must be in temples.Its a long line of devotees all murmuring some random prayer and God going "Just a sec darling, yes sir!What were you asking?Wait for your turn Ma'm.Let the man who wants the promotion finish first!"See!I din't want to add to God's busy listening schedule.So I whispered a quiet 'Thank you' and went about taking the beauty of the twilight in.On the way out, I saw three kids selling these flowers.I don't know what those flowers are called.They are white and have a yellow centre.Anyway, I absolutely love these flowers, their feel, their fragrance, everything about them.So I bought a couple of them, after overpaying the three kids as they smiled at me with broken teeth.I watched this young girl, about nine years old, handing me the flowers on a wilted, broad leaf.I couldn't help but wonder.Does she have dreams too?Does she dream of security, love and contentment?I couldn't decipher the smile she flashed as I accepted the flowers.It was a knowing smile, a sad one and a contented one at the same time.It was something that took my attention off the twilight too.

We left for Hubli and reached home at around 9.It was a nice trip altogether, though you can hardly call it a trip.After all, Dharwad is just about 20kms away!But it had been long since I had had a good time with my family, without Mum's nagging and Dad's constant worries.Bro was his usual, annoying self but everything was in good spirit and I had a smile on my face as I recollected the books, the twilight, the nostalgia, the girl's smile and the scent of the flowers as they rested on the table.

10 things I realised about myself today....

1) I like to read posts which are in points.(Practise and preach!)

2)My eyes look chink-like despite adequate sleep.

3)I like people who use 'yours truly' when referring to themselves.(in writing of course!)

4)I do not like(subtly put) people who use incorrect weak forms or rather don't know how to spell weak forms.To quote one: your instead of you're.It is not only restricted to weak forms.It also extends to words like: their and there and also lose and loose.Grrrr.

5)My mood usually depends on how windy the weather is.Directly proportional(windier the better!).And the constant is my mother's mood(which is not universal.It depends on others' moods.Sigh.It keeps growing!)

6)I have started five books and abandoned them midway, despite them being highly interesting.

Sub-list of unfinished books:
a) Little women
b) Shantaram
c) The picture of Dorian Gray
d) Catch-22
e) One flew over the cuckoo's nest.

I realised that if I want to read them, I have to start all over again and I bull crap you not, its scary.

7)I'm always on the verge of an emotional outburst(anger, joy, sorrow, mostly murderous rage!) irrespective of PMS.

8)I blame all my emotional outbursts on PMS.

9)I so wish I could sing well.Each time I have earphones singing in me and me singing out loud, I ruin the song for everyone who hasn't heard the song.And also everyone who already has.And who like the song too.Oh how I wish I could croon!

10)I'll make a habit of realising ten things about myself and/or the people around me.And of course share it, with the now suspecting reader!

P.S-I have no problem with attendance no more!Whoppie!

Hold on!

I don't know why I'm feeling low today.Its probably because I'm tensed(attendance!) or because I'm feeling left out again.I'm surrounded, at least for twelve hours a day, by people I love , people who love me.But the inexplicability of this loneliness kills me.Sometimes there just aren't enough reasons to feel lonely.Most times there are no reasons to feel lonely.And the minimality of alibi bums me out.

Have you felt the insane feeling where everyone around you has somebody and you have no one to hold onto?You're in a huge crowd of people, who are laughing,talking and having a great deal of fun.You join them too.You laugh along.But you still feel like a separate entity.A small part refusing to intersperse with the whole.Does everyone in the crowd feel that way or is it just you?Is it your own fault that you feel distanced from others?Is it that they do not understand you or is it because you don't try to be understood?

The most cliche line has to be 'Something to hold onto'.I've read it, heard it, sang it and wrote it.And yet I do not know if I understand it.It maybe because of the fact that I'm afraid to be completely free.Maybe I need conditional restrain.If I were never afraid of letting myself go completely,I would never feel low.But I do.I don't want to.

I am only human.I have my own dreams and expectations.The problem is I include others in them as well.I dream of somebody.I dream to be with somebody.I never dream of being somebody.I expect others to understand me,feel what I feel.I never expect myself to not need somebody.I probably experience all of these random thoughts and musings because I'm a little too rigid about the something I want to hold onto.I need that something to be mine alone. Undivided attention.Maybe I need to loosen up.Not be so uptight.And the fact remains that I'm waiting for the right person.Not just any person will do.I've made the mistake before and the repercussions were heart-breaking.I will just bide my time and wait for either the karmic connection to spark or make do with the next best.Its not that I desperately want to be un-single.I love the independence and the privacy my singledom offers me.But just some times, oh so few times, its good to fall back on committed shoulders.

This helped.Not so low anymore.Speaking of low, there's a song called 'Low' by Coldplay,which has these lines:

"You mean more,mean more to me,
Than any colour, I can see............"

Someone to love.Sigh.

What was I thinking?

Well,I havent updated in a LONG time!Just posted a comment on this guy's blog(which is nothing less than genius!) asking him to update more frequently.So thought,what if my 'blogmirers' too want me to update?(I like flattering myself!).So,despite having the worst writers' block in the history of time and writing,decided to try something.

A few days back,I was talking to Kriti about something very mundane.Something useless even.And somehow the talk centred around how some people get straight As but cannot get the most simple logic.Or lack basic common sense and general knowledge.Hello!I'm not asking you to know the capital of Cambodia(It isnt Sean Penn,any 'Friends' fans?).Atleast who Saddam Hussain is.Sorry was(May he rot in hell).Atleast frigging 4 years after the invasion.Phew!Anyway,so I told Kriti,I may not be a 9-pointer or technically well versed,but I have creative intelligence.She asked me 'Whats that?'.So I started explaining my point.

We live in a huge crowd of artists.Yes,we do.True artists are rare to discover,it does not necessarily mean they do not exist.And by artists I mean, poets(my favourite category only because I count myself in this.See!I told you I was modest!), writers, painters, singers, actors, film makers...the list goes on.Every one of these arists, once in their life, come up with a brainchild.Their very own masterpiece.I know the effort that goes into realising a thought.And once you are done,its the most sublime joy you can feel.Well,without further digression,I get their masterpieces!I get the effort behind every line,every expression,every single brush stroke.I get what the artist shouts out loud with subtle words.I get their pride,their joy,their thought.Yes!The most important of it all.I get the thought behind the realisation.And that my friend, is creative intelligence.The soft smile on your lips,the faint 'Oh!' when you read a line,or listen to a melody is an invisible homage paid to every artist,hidden or popular,critically acclaimed or commercially viable,a silent nod of approval.And being an artist myself,I would love it through and through if somebody gets me.Wouldn't you?

I do feel envious sometimes,when people understand dimensions better than I do or can apply logic before it sinks in my tech-challenged brain.But I also like the feel of understanding the human psyche behind every expression of art I can feed my senses on.This is probably why people tell me I'm cut out for humanities.And the reason why I hate what I learn presently.Life is unfair!

My philosophy

I recently finished my 12th std.So had and still have actually, a lotta time on my hands.So after getting bored reading 'Atlas Shrugged'(which by the way is a fantastic book!),bored of watching all the seasons of 'Friends' and plain bored of just lying down,I thought of....yeah,that seems to be a good idea...I thought of thinking....u know just thinking....about stuff like life and how we all came to be what we are and I came up with this amazing philosophy.Its bloody good!!But conditions apply.You have to believe in Karma to understand my philosophy and you have to know a tad bit about 'advaita' by Swami Shankaracharya.If you fulfil these conditions,go ahead and delve into my spiritual knowledge.
The simple thing about 'karma' is that whatever you do,comes back to you.If you do good,well,get ready to receive some of it.The same works the other way round.So if you trace back 'karma' to its roots,if you think back and realise that to start this complicated cycle of bad and good and good and bad,there must be a beginning.There must be an initiation at some point in the history of time.There must be one man who started the bad and thus initiated the cycle.Once human being evolved and had the capacity to think for himself,he formed communities and lived with people of his kind.The first knowledge of bad he had,the first selfish purpose and the first wickedness of thought to achieve ends by non-desirablemeans is what I'd like to call-God.Voila!There is my present thought on the ever interesting topic of spirituality.I know this thought has many loopholes.I'm not that well read in philosophical aspect.But as this was a totally original thought and something I'd want to believe in,I thought it was worth sharing with intelligent people who would want to comment on it.So fellow bloggers,please go ahead and share your views on my write....

Heaven on earth!

I know its a very cliche title...but thats all you can feel and express when you see the sight I saw.We recently visited the Balaji temple in Tirupati.The trip was very tiring.We had to wait in the queue for over 3 hours!Finally everything was done and we boarded the bus to go downhill and thats when I saw her and fell head over heels in love with her all over again....mother nature...our mother nature!All I could see initially was green-all types of green.There was brownish green,sap green,sea green,dark green,blackish green,greenish black!!Every imaginable shade of green,breathing and alive and reaffirming the fact that God must be one helluva painter!And then there were the flowers!Beautiful ornaments on the green bride....purple infused with white;bright,fresh yellow;splashes of blue!Even orange seemed desirable.I was nauseous....not just because the bus was taking dangerous curves but because I was intoxicated,intoxicated with the wine of luxury of colours,the bonanza of mesmerising fragrances and by the extravaganza of beauty in its purest form!I was very happy,not just because I saw this piece of paradise but because,thankfully,man did not have a fancy for it yet.It was still virgin.It still hasn't fallen into the commercial trap and hopefully it won't.I hope it is still the same green and pastels I saw and I hope it will remain like that.And then I laughed.We went atop the holy hill to get a glimpse of people's favourite God.But somehow the real feeling of awe and wonder and austerity and faith and devotion lay in the journey not the destination.Somehow the way to heaven seems more pleasant than heaven itself......

Untitled

This poem of mine is dedicated to my mother.....id just like to say thank u to her for enduring me thru all these years....amma i love you......

I always wished I were a man,

Just because it is so much easier to be one,

To flaunt a few bulgy biceps, stand taller,

Free to come back after midnight, to have unrestricted fun,

Not follow the goody-goody 'lady' etiquettes,

To not be constantly weighed with the so-called responsibility,

Of being 'pure', of upholding family honour,

To be the epitome of pseudo-chastity,

To eat what I want & how much I want,

To not have to look in the mirror & consider anorexia,

PMS is just a joke you could laugh at,

It would be so simple to be a man, huh?

And now as I hold you,

My child, my replicated soul,

As I rock you gently in my arms,

As you fit in the void, overfill that empty hole,

And I watch you yawn wide,

Your pink tongue rolling,

In your cute, toothless grin,

As I sing you a lullaby, your smooth hair caressing.

As I still ache all over my tired body,

From the process of making you,

How ‘we’ became ‘you’ and ‘I’,

And how we are still connected, by a bond new.

The pain seems sweeter,

As your tiny fingers encircle mine,

As you breathe in and out peacefully

And your small heart beats just fine,

As your little feet rub each others’,

My joy was never this great,

My pride swells infinitely,

At this beautiful punishment I got for one naughty mistake,

And now as I step in the new phase of my life,

With you sweetheart in my arms,

I can face anything,

Even the huge tempests and storms,

As we walk our first steps together,

As child and mum,

I want to be nothing but a woman

In all my lives to come…………………