I quote.....

"Life's like an hourglass glued to the table........"

Sigh.Wish I could say it was mine.Its from a song called 'Breathe' by Anna Nalick.Lovely song.I tried to put up the video but I'm just plain dumb.So here's the link.Listen to it.

Meh!

I'm in knee deep *ahem*.I have an attendance shortage!If you have been reading my blog regularly, you'll know its nothing new.Except this time it's for real.I am so screwed.Just hoping and praying that they don't make me attend short semester.You know 'they'.As in 'Oh my God!They killed Kenny!You bastards!'.I love that show!(For those of you who have no clue what Im talking about, here).Anyhoo, I got nothing important to write about today(brain says "Yeah!Like you got something important to write on other days!").This is a list of random thoughts and events happening in my life for the past week.I have been down mostly but I think its just a progressively getting worse PMS.Without further excuses for being just plain lazy, here it is:

1)I watched 'Main, Meri patni or Woh' again some day.Everytime I watch it, I think to myself "I've gotta write about this!"So finally decided to do that.It is a delightful movie.Its so grounded and real yet whimsical and dreamy.Anyone who doesnt come under the banner of physically attractive can relate to it.I dont and I do.Its insecurity meets a secret wish.Go watch it.Karan Johar can learn a thing or two about love from this.And of course, the biggest plus point of this movie is Kay Kay Menon looking incredibly breath taking and sexy with a seductive non chalance singing a ghazal with a glass of whisky in his hand.Lucky glass of whisky!Rituparno is gorgeous.She has this tiny bump on the tip of her nose which looks as if a tear is eternally clinging to her nose.Rajpal Yadav is a fine actor.Period.Its a rare beauty.Do watch it.

2) "I was just guessing at numbers and figures, Pulling the puzzles apart, Questions of science, science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart...... Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, Oh I wanna rush to the start, Running in circles, chasing our tails, Coming back as we are..........."

Havent you guessed it already?Its 'The scientist', stupid!This song used to put me to sleep sometime ago and I couldnt possibly imagine how this song was popular.But now as I listen to it twenty three hundred times a day on repeat, I cannot help but love it.It flows on you.Seriously, this song is smooth, man!And the lyrics are so lovely.Great song to hum too.

3)I havent slept properly for a week.I mean I do sleep, for like 8-9 hours a day but its such an unsatisfying sleep.I dont feel charged up as I usually, in minuscule amounts, do.All night I stare outside the window and I realised that the moonlight is extra beautiful nowadays.I dont appreciate it much considering Im almost suicidal that I am turning into an insomniac.But the moonlight, ah, it takes your mind away. Far away on the silvery, hazy path to dreamland.I miss dreams.I miss sleep more of course.But life seems so unfulfilling without a little bit of fantasy.Sigh.Hoping for sleep tonight and getting lost in Chad Michael Murray's arms........

4)I love Ashton Kutcher.He is just so cute!Even in That 70s show, where he is superhumanly dumb, he is so awesomely good looking.I have an overdose of Ashton now, what with That 70s show and The butterfly effect and A lot like love and Just married.And I do not need rehab baby!I can live off him for a year!(I have no idea whats that supposed to mean!)

5)I absolutely love Amy Winehouse's voice.Its so sincere and deep and inexplicably nostalgic.Also Chris Martin is so soothing.Its like a balm to loneliness and depression, his voice.Even Bono's voice is like in a league of its own.Especially in 'With or without you'.



Ok I'm done.I can rack my brain and find some more.But I'm bored and Kelso looks irresistable in a cop's uniform.So Im gonna get going.Cya soon with something intelligible hopefully!

Lonely tonight.....

It has been a long time, I know,
And it seems almost welcome,
But now as it creeps in sight,
I cannot help but feel,
I have never felt as lonely
As I feel tonight.

Melancholy has always been a chapter most read,
And its battered pages dont seem to turn,
As I hug myself to sleep tight,
I cannot help but feel,
I have never felt as lonely
As I feel tonight.

It doesnt seem so hard on me anymore,
Feels like yesterday and predicts my tomorrow,
And as it defeats me, yet again, in an already conceded fight,
I cannot help but feel,
I have never felt as lonely
As I feel tonight.

It drifts around me with a hazy finality,
And makes its way in my dreams,
And as darkness slowly engulfs the light,
I cannot help but feel,
I have never felt as lonely
As I feel tonight.

As Elvis sings 'Love me tender',
And the moon's incandescence bathes the sky,
Asking me 'Has it ever felt right?'
I cannot help but feel,
I have never felt as lonely
As I feel tonight.

I remember you vividly,
You reminded me of me,
And life's shortcomings seemed finite
I have never felt as lonely,
As I feel tonight....

The Feeling.........

I just want to write something.You know, the feeling when you just, inexplicably have to/want to eat hot chocolate brownies? You dont know the feeling?? *horror*Explains why I put on weight faster than.......um......want to come up with a good simile but my groggy brain refuses to work! I can almost hear it say "I'm trying my lord(the minute influence of 72 hours of reading Harry Potter and nothing else) but it just wont come up with a thought. No, please dont hurt me with studying again!No!Have mercy, lord!" Anyway, atleast my brain is sharp enough to now tell me I'm taking it too far.Too far.So anyway, I thought about what I could write. I first thought I could write about a list of blah-blah.Like things that make me angry, things that make me want to kill myself!But then I thought "But oh dear, no one cares!And I mean it in the sweetest possible way, no one gives a shit!" Well, then I got this idea about writing something thats been missing in my life for a long time, you could say its practically died inside me.I now write about the Feeling.

You know?The Feeling!With the capital 'F'.I will of course elucidate or enunciate, whatever the technical word is for being more descreptively detailed. I usually associate the Feeling with a crush. A brand new one. Oh the endless looking at him wondering if he is doing the same, the smiling to oneself while listening to a particualrly sweet line in a Bryan Adams' song(For instance 'Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you'.Seriously who can beat that?). I always crave for this Feeling. It gives an immense sense of well being. The soothing comfort of believing rather than knowing that nothing can go wrong. All the hidden smiles and guitly, surreal pleasures heighten the feeling of the Feeling. It can be anything, not just the new-crush-feeling. It can be joining the gym(happening right now, thank you thank you!) or getting the job you love, helping someone without expectations, anything that gives the exhilirating feeling like you've just swallowed a flask full of Felix Felicis(Sorry!Harry Potter reigns my mind at the present!For the Potter-ignorant, firstly you guys are missing out a LOT by not reading the series and secondly Felix Felicis is a lucky potion which makes the drinker lucky and super confident for the next 12 hours). You can call it the high. But it helps so much. The Feeling. Ah! I crave you!

P.S- I know I have done no justice to the title and half of you dont even get what Im talking about but I do not care.My blog, my ideas.Take em or chuck em.No!I dint mean that.Please read my blog!I seriously want a life and the comments are the only thing keeping me alive.Kidding but they are partly.So anyway, I actually did a lotta mending to my life lately.Got everything under control and have never been this happy!So I started writing again and have thought of many things and will post them soon enough.This kicks ass, dont it?I think Im high.Not with Feeling.Just high on chocolate!Before I forget, I came up with two lines which are bloody good and you're not permitted to use them.If you do, please dont fail to mention "Oh yeah I read this line in this awesome blog right!That girl sure is great!" Yes, I would like that very much and you can wait for your share of good karma once you do the said asked.(Cool!)Oh before I forget, the lines are(drumroll):
1)My love life is more depressing than Haiti's economy.
2)Euphemism is a euphemism for hypocrisy.

Cya in a jiffy!Once the writing machine whirrs to life, you cant stop her(although you can with a little Harry Potter and a lot of dairy milk!)Cheers!

Broken but repairable

Life isn't life if its not an overslept, underachieved mess.
-Shruti Sardeshpande.

Something in me broke today.Or I prefer the word, snapped.Yes, snapped like a cinnamon stick.I think it was my spirit.Spirit.Or in college talk, the happy-go-lucky charm I had that people envied.Snap!

Monday was the last day for submission of assignments.The lecturers set a bunch of questions, very predictable and expected ones and we're supposed to write down the answers in an ordered manner and submit them before/on deadline.I had five assignments to complete and a month long time to do so.I did not/could not submit a single one on Monday.And that's what broke my heart.Or if you remember the mediocre, previous lines, snapped my spirit.

Normally, this does not/would not have bothered me.I, to be very crude and yet honest, don't give a fuck anymore about marks and evaluation.So I would have probably worried for sometime, making up arbit(blame you Kriti!) excuses to explain the late submission or most likely be of the take-em-or-leave-em mentality.But this situation of mine took the life out of me.How can I be so anarchical?There is absolutely no order in my life.I follow a routine just because my college follows one.My life is as indisciplined as the parthenium growing in the field which overlooks my locality.Its absolute piss, the way I live.I was never this irresponsible.I turned out to be that way and if I think about it real hard I realise that the turning-out thingy wasn't quantised.It was like an evolutionary process and gradually, I started this vicious cycle of cutting classes, making up excuses, being happy with a math score of 50% and fell into this pit of my overused writing capability of almost every mundanity in my life that can extend to a page and an intense disregard for rules and responsibilities.I can probably wade right now but I believe the damage is done.

Its going to be a lot more difficult when I'll start working because obviously my employers won't buy the* looking down on the ground* I-wasn't-well-sir excuse for crossing a deadline.I'll be straightaway fired!Without references to say the least.

A few days ago, I was in love with the word 'procrastination' and I diligently acted accordingly(how ironic!).All the lethargy and last-time-I-swear were frowned upon but passed along as the student life vagaries.And now I'm shifted 180 degrees(or 270 if I began at 90!) and I have lost every ounce of control and purpose in life.I'm in some techni-coloured motion picture but it ain't glossy, cinematography neat.Its some sordid, fluidy, scrubby mass and I'm just surviving here, disoriented to the maximum and as directionless as a paper signboard in Thar!(or some other windy place).The sense of control I used to derive from the ultimate, second to none joy of riding my black Honda Activa was all ruined today as I narrowly escaped banging into a motorist.And in that racing hearted, adrenaline scented, profane moment, the ride was my life or life was my ride, both pretty much the same, I had an epiphany of how wrong the ride was and how meaningless my life is turning out to be.Of course, there are supposedly bigger truths(plural?) to think about but(to quote Rhett in the most inappropriately shameless manner) 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!'I finally know my problem and can work towards a solution and somehow today with all its mundane cheerlessness and commonplace stink, may very well have shaped the course of my future.So I've made a vow to myself(which otherwise I would not have kept up but as this is an emotionally and what I'd like to believe an intellectually charged moment)I shall not write until I rejuvenate my broken but not shattered spirit.As much as I love to write and have every reason to believe I live to do so too, I will find my purpose and work my way up to the highest position of my self evaluated pedestal.Once I'm there, I can look down or rather back at my past and ridicule it and feel a million times wiser and/or better.I will be a better person and a sincere one and will then probably deserve the pen with which I write and the paper on which I write.Till then, I'm lying low with the writing.So long then.It might take a lot of time.............

Then she asked me:"When do you know you've overdone it?"
And I replied:"When you italicise something as stupid as this!"

Scarlet fever.

I had a fever last night.After a long time.I mean, I don't keep falling ill at the drop of a hat but once in few months is considered normal.Even healthy.I hadn't had a fever(like with temperature and all) for a long time.I have had sinus problems.The hacking, wheezing cough, the runny nose and the face-paining headaches.Fever was something so forgotten, it seemed new this time.

I don't what it is about fever that makes me think about the word 'rosy'.The rose tinted windows near the roof letting in the now red sunlight at churches, the colour, the heat associated with the colour, some colour of a rash, a blush.Just rosy.And it was rosy this time too.First the heat, inside the body, the heat outside the body; no strength to even lift up your hand to take Vicks from the other side of the bed, no strength left to even turn on the other side.And then suddenly it all changes.Its 2 am and you feel like you have been wrapped in layers and layers of wool.Someone is holding you down and smothering you with so many clothes you can't breathe.You keep pushing the invisible layers off you and they just keep growing.And there are dark shapes all around you, with many more blankets and many more layers to cover you.And I woke with a start, my top wet with sweat.I had been sweating like crazy because the fever was getting reduced.And the minimal strength I had is wasted in throwing the blanket and the extra pillows away.And the panting for breath doesn't stop.Even if all I have done is sleep.

Have you had times when thoughts hurt?I had it last night, as I was sweating and heating up again, my head hurt because there were too many thoughts and somehow I couldn't make it stop.They just kept swirling in and out, random and stupid and unnecessary but present in my head all the same, hurting so bad, I buried my head under the pillow till sleep, the painful, welcome sleep crept in to hush the thoughts and awaken the dreams.

Its 3 am now and the breathing is better.So is the air supply to my skin.And the nightmares are reduced as my mother is sitting next to me now, stroking my wet hair and feeling my forehead again.My parched lips feel stuck together.Mum gives me water but it tastes bitter in my mouth.And the fever is back now.I'm feeling hotter and rosier.And somehow I always associate a fever with some kind of a sexual build up inside me that lets itself out in the form of heat.My dreams are a mixture of some kind of nightmares where I'm running towards some place and there are instructions written, there are directions and signboards and maps but I can't find my way.I have had the getting-lost-despite-all-the-resources-dreams when I have a fever since I was a little girl.I'd scream for help, to lead me to the place I want to go and I'd wake up to see my parents pacifying me.Its always been the same dreams.And I always associate these dreams with fever.

Its all rosy again.Not so hot anymore though.Maybe its coming down....

Faith

For the first time, since I have started writing seriously(I mean, you can't consider the poems I wrote on 'Tree' and 'Bird', can you?), I have named a write-up exactly what its based on.Well for a moment you(the highly esteemed reader!) might think this might be a religious post.Or atleast a spiritual one.Its not.Its just faith.About it.As simple as the title.

I watched a program on Animal Planet the other day called 'Extraordinary Pets USA'.There was an interview of this guy, who owns two Bengal tigers.One is a cub, whom he bathes and feeds and lets it bite him and keeps hugging it affectionately.The other is a full grown one, a tigress in all its glory.And he was completely at ease with them!He keeps the tigress in a big, caged ground in the backyard and he enters it from time to time to feed the gorgeous chica.And when he does, he goes empty handed.No weapon, no form of protection whatsoever.You can say he is a romantic fool because tigers are by nature wild and can attack anytime even if they are non-agressive.But the fact remains that what he does is tremendously admirable.He just goes in, all by himself, and lies next to her, stroking her brilliant fur.She raises a paw and he doesnt even whimper.He knows its harmless and she will probably rest it on his back.And she does.

What I found interesting in all this is that many people would consider this an act of bravery.They'd see this and say "Wow, man!That guy's got guts!".But I beg to differ.It doesnt take guts to do it.I mean it does, considering the 600 kilos tigress can kill him as easy we kill a bug.But it takes a lotta faith to do what he does with so much ease.I cannot for sure say faith in what.Tigress in all probability.But if he's a person with broader perspectives and I have a feeling he is, its a blind faith in nature.The truest of all beliefs and faiths.Mother Nature is the only one who allows you to commit the mistake, forgives you whole heartedly and provides a chance for redemption.Pity it goes wildly discredited more than unrecognised. Sorry, I digress.(Killer man!I have always wanted to say that!Sorry, I digress.Cool!).I believe that he has so much faith in nature, her peace loving ways and her generosity that he knows for sure that he will not be harmed if he means no harm.That explains why he is alive and kicking, still taking care of the tigers and still loving what he does.There must be an instant when he enters the cage and looks at the huge pupil of the tigress dilate and skips a beat wondering 'What if...?'But a little whiff of breeze and he knows nothing can go wrong.And he kisses her mane and falls in love with Mother Nature as countless others dreamers do, much like me, all over again.

I have got to contradict myself and go against what I said at the beginning of the post.This brings me to a point where I watch hordes of 'devotees' crowd at temples, kick and hurt each other to catch a glimpse of stone or metal and feel satisfied.The mediocrity of it all never fails to amaze me.I am not saying that people should not have faith in religion or whatever it is.Maybe most part of it is ignorance.Or the Indian weakness of getting influenced very soon.But somehow their will and indifference to never question the existence of an all knowing, all powerful God when the proof, product and the future of life nurtures and dies right in front of them surprises me to say the least.