Wednesday, October 8, 2008

And the hardest part...

Is letting go, I know, I know.I think I've officially entered my brand new phase of being low.Yes, it's new and guess what, it hurts too.I read about people who feel lonely in a crowd and that loneliness is a state of mind rather than a physical state of being.Now I know how it feels, the crushing extent of it.I sit here among my friends and try to laugh at their jokes and join in their conversations even as my mind tells me it's not working.Sooner or later, people will look through your facade, they'll know you are trying hard to feel accepted, to accept.Someday, someone will look past my big talk, look through my indifference and discover my innate feeling of being unbelonged.Someone will probably know why I hum 'All by myself' everytime I'm in a group.It is so automatic, it surprises me.
It's really hard to socialise, not quite as easy I imagined it to be.I always thought to myself I can make the transition anytime I want, I can smoothly slide over to the 'I'm friendly' state.But I find it harder, as I try hard to look into someone's eyes and keep a smile for a decent moment, I find it much harder each passing day, each passing minute.
I look through my contacts and think who'd understand me if I were to express what I feel right now.I find people who may listen, who may advise but I don't feel like sharing.I know that talking about it will probably lighten the apparent burden of it but it's hard to explain.I don't want to explain.And yet again, I'm here, writing about this mess in my mind because it's too frustrating to be the only one to talk to.It's liberating, it's my anti-depressant.
I probably make too much of a big deal about what goes on in my mediocre life.But it helps to think you're problems are important even if you aren't quite so...

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The third extreme...

I had my share of criticism yesterday from my brother and a teacher of mine.Both of them told me that I wasn't 'to the point'; that my mind was everywhere but where it 'should' be.Firstly, I think I'm the one who decides where my mind actually 'should' be.I think I earned that right by having opaque thoughts.Secondly, now if I think about it, it makes sense why I'm that way. It's gotta do with the creativity. I don't think a creative person can have a myopic mind.I think art, literary or visual, is all about being broad minded, thinking in all possible ways. The permutations and combinations of thoughts are endless.How can anyone explain 'the point' of the Mona lisa?What is 'the point' anyway?The point that she's smiling?Even a smile, human art, cannot be completely to the point.All I can say is that if you're broad minded enough, creative enough(which are relative by the way), you can never be 'to the point', you can never be precise.It doesn't matter if you can't arrive at a conclusion.It's the innate human need of trying to reason out everything.Heck, me writing shows how much I'm trying to reason the criticism!I know it can be exhausting some times when there's no point to a book, or a song, but the beauty of it overshadows reason.It's the thought after all that counts at the end.Atleast to me, it does.There's always a slight percentage of fiction in fact and vice versa.Just as there's always the possibility of unsurity in most of the things!

Friday, August 15, 2008

My platonic lover...

He walked in the room, as always with a disarming non chalance. There was something about him that was so effortless and so easy. I don't know what it was; his smooth, candid conversations with people, friends and strangers alike, or his gait or his silent, comfortable presence around you. He smiled as he saw me and sat across the table. "Good news!" he said. "Please don't tell me you're fired?" I asked. He'd been in a tiff with his boss for the last couple of days. He smiled again." You're wrong.That would have been great news! I am getting married. She said yes!" He could hardly contain the excitement bursting through his incessant smile. "That is news!" I said, not sure what to feel. I hugged him and in an instant our whole lives passed by in front of my eyes...
We'd been great friends in school. We both watched football, both liked the same people and both had pretty much the same ideas.It was a little eerie to know a person who had the exact same thoughts as you did. It was somehow surreal but yet so realistic. The only opinion we did not share was that he was an atheist and I was a believer. We had loads of arguement on that subject and some of them were pretty intense. But we never reached a truce, we just kept offering explanations and disregarding each other. In a way, those arguements helped me grow spiritually because I found myself discovering reasons why I chose to believe. He helped me through rough patches, we fought like siblings, I advised him a plenty and we reached a stage of a friendship where words weren't necessary. But then she happened...
She was a mutual friend. She was pretty and sweet and always ready to lend a helping hand. But she was silly. And most times just plain dumb. Some people found it endearing. I did too. I thought it was in a way, cute. A kind of mistaken, misunderstood innocence. She was one of my closest friends and she was equally close to him as well. But then, one day, out of the blue, he confessed to me that he liked her a lot. I was initially shocked but then I was happy for them. She was a nice person and he was a great guy. They'd obviously make a wonderful relationship. They did in fact. But then as time passed, we lost touch. She was important to him. I understood that completely. But I also missed the intelligent conversations we had, the endless bickering about religion and God. Our silence became uncomfortable. He was completely blinded in the relationship they shared. He always agreed to whatever she had to say, whatever she did went unquestioned. It was quite a fall from grace for me personally. I moved on. I made new friends, had interesting conversations with others too. But somehow, nobody could fit the frame I had in mind except him. I missed him above everything. And I wondered if he did too.We met a few times and all we mostly did was talk about work. A few weeks ago he told me he was going to propose. I was happy and yet a little apprehensive. I din't see a future for them and it was scary to admit it. I just hoped for the best and wished him good luck.
"Hey, aren't you happy?" he asked, his spirits dampening a little with my unenthuisiastic response.
"What? Of course I am! You guys are my closest friends!" I smiled, getting my hopes up.
"That doesn't sound like you. I gave you one piece of advice over all these years and that was to be yourself and speak your mind. I can make out you aren't doing that right now." he said as he sat down again and sipped his coffee.
"Well, what can I say? You caught me! No offence, but I just din't see a future for you guys. I thought you'd get over her."
" But I love her. I thought you knew that."
"I did. I just din't see it."
"Everything need not have a reason my dear. Some things are beyond our arguements."
"Our arguements! Funny you should bring that up, I was just thinking about them."
"Yeah? I think about them all the time too. I miss them."
"Me too. But situations change. What can I say?"
"People change. I know I did. And I admire you for the fact that you din't"
"Thank you"
"Don't get all formal with me! The next thing I know, you'll start saying 'hi' and 'bye'!"
"Haha, don't worry about that. Some things never do change"
"I know"
"Me too"
"Did you know that I had a huge crush on you then?"
"I did. You kinda made it obvious."
"Did I? You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you and let you know. But I din't wanna ruin what we already had. So I never did tell you that"
"Well, I liked you then too. But things turn out the way they are for the best. Some one else also controls our lives besides ourselves.I know you'll laugh at my face but I totally belive in that."
"I never told you this and never wanted to because that'll mean you won. But since we are revealing things unknown, I'll just tell you."
"What can be so important?"
"You turned me into a believer. Something several people have tried for several years.But you succeeded and I'll love you and hate you for that!"
"This is wonderful information!Wow, I actually managed to influence another person's life. I should give myself much more credit than I do right now"
"You should.You deserve it.How's the boyfriend?"
"Still craving for committment. Few more days and he'll have withdrawal symptoms"
"You should settle down you know"
"And you should leave the advice section to me!"
"Ok, as you wish. Now that I am engaged, I have officially achieved a new high!"
"You know what I'd like? Prove me wrong about the two of you."
"I'll strive towards that end every single day, sweet!"
"I'd like that"
"Let's celebrate now. Wanna smoke?"
"I quit"
"Wanna share?"
"Ok"

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I believe...

This time, just this one time, maybe, in a faraway, less cynical corner of my mind, I believe that if I run for you, maybe I can run back in time...


Its past midnight and I cannot sleep yet.I don't know what describes me at this instant.I watched something which somehow touched me really deep.It made me think about you.Of course, you are mostly always on my mind, though not well defined.You're like a blurred image, almost one with the background, an intimate part of it, like a coffee cup on a coffee table, merged into the oneness of a being in my mind's imagination, but yet you stand out.Its funny if I think of it because when I see a picture, I try to comprehend the outline of it, the sharpness of it that limits what I'm looking at.But now, you're there and still somehow not.A ghost of a memory, wanting to be either forgotten or revived.You are that wound on my hand which has healed now, but the scar of it remains.When the wound was fresh, all I could think about was the wound.But time took care of it, as the cliche goes.How I hate time!Of course, I cant hate time.I will reform the sentence and say I hate the present.I have absolutely no issues with the past.It has treated me well.I do not regret saying the things I said or doing what I did or did not do.I keep trying to live it again, trying to inflict the wound again, but the ghost silently comforts me with the truth that its already done with.You can neither change it nor live it again.The future beckons me forward, the uncertain, the unforeseen, anything can happen, you may come back.It holds a store of possibilities, of hope, tomorrow is another day after all.It gives me the illusion, where I can pretend I'm better off, I can dream, I can create.I can believe...

Don't you sometimes think knowing is way better than believing?I do too.Its just that, magically, sometimes, what you believe in truly, becomes what you know.Illusion, where I see myself smiling in the future, I construct this make-believe world of mine, yes, I'm going to be happy, I can be happy.It wont hurt me later if it doesn't turn out to be true.Then, I can look back at it and not regret the illusion.Its just the present that kills me, oh so softly!Oh yes, tomorrow the present that killed me will be my unregretted past.I have a choice, everyone always has a choice.I choose to believe...

I choose to believe and thats why right now, I want to believe that I'll run to you, with all the faith I can think of, in myself, in you, in us, in that space between us that shrinks with every step I run, I will run.I will run, whether you stand there with open arms or not stand there at all, I will still run. I will still believe, that at some instant I will relive the past, I will still believe I can hold your hand the way I held it then, with the wound so fresh, I will still believe you'll laugh at my silly jokes and push my hair behind my ear, I will still believe you'll look at me when I look away, scared, anticipating, hesitant, in the moment, the present, now my past.I will still believe that this can be true.I believe I can realise my futuristic illusion, happy, satisfied, knowing and still in the dream, trying to believe that life didn't get to us after all...

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Oh aaj mausammm.........

It is such a bad title.But the weather(yesterday actually, contradicting the title) was beautiful. It was warm and I dont know, somehow surreal. Of course my math exam did not allow me the simple pleasure of enjoying the nature I love right away.Sigh.What can I say except I so hate math!!!!Anyhoo, instead of wasting my energy and time which is by the way running out and I have fucking seven chapters to study for my physics exam tomorrow, I will tell you what was special about the weather yesterday.It was the 'coming back home' weather!I realised yesterday that everytime I go someplace else, I mean outta town, when I return, thats how the weather always is.Even if its May and frigging hot, its the same when I return.It makes me feel home.Even though I hate Hubli to its very core and cannot wait to get out of this hell hole, this weather is something so intrinsic about Hubli that it lures me into being happy. And mind you, me being happy is an elusive dream(If you are in doubt, ask my parents!). Its like a butterfly, you know.You think its got pretty wings and you go and try to catch it, somehow trap it, but it always finds a loophole.And once you do catch it, its beautiful wings are the ones that get hurt first.See what I am saying?Anyway, this weather is now officially the 'coming back home' weather. And as I was riding(the fine text reads: On my shiny black Honda Activa with the spring air in my gorgeous hair.God that rhymes!I must be a born poet!) on this road, without a pothole in sight(such a RARE treat in Hubli), with Gulmohar trees on both sides of the road, the smell of the 'coming home weather' making me forget all about the fearful prospect of solving differential equations.Its special and its rare and its beautiful.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Pleh!

Okpa!Its official.I have the most unproductive life .Seriously.I consumed like a zillion calories today.And watched That 70s show all day long!I mean I'm like extra ___ pounds on earth (You think I'll tell the world how much I weigh?Doubt mat rakhna!) Well anyway, blah blah, read this:

1)This song called 'Hello it's me' by Todd Rundgren is out of the world. It seemed more delightful when it was playing in the Vista Cruiser as Eric and Donna kissed for the first time.Sigh.What a wonderful life!

2) Read this. Its pure, imported turd of course. But its freaking funny!

3)I watched 'Requiem for a dream' last night.It is deeply disturbing.I could totally relate to the charater of Sara Goldfarb.Its no joke, being fat.

4)I have exams in a week and I am not one bit tensed or prepared. But I know I'll sail through. With an 8.5 pointer.You'll see.

5)My future looks so bleak now.I have no idea what I want in life and what to expect.All I know is I have to see Kashmir before I die.And also go on an African safari with Dad. Also kiss Ashton Kutcher.Ok now I'm delusional. I guess its all the butterscotch ice cream.Hmmm.....I'll have some more.

6)I am so high right now!

7)I have a new addiction to cola.I thought it was only the Americans and some west influenced youth who craved for Pepsi but now I'm addicted too.Even though I think that Pepsi ads are some of the corniest ads ever made and should be banned for the sole reason of being a huge taint on the consumer intelligence.

8)I so wanna be un-single!!

9)I love Coldplay.

10)I have no more problem with attendance.Whooppie!

P.S-I know you don't care, but guess what?Neither do I!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Honestly.....

I think of you now,
As the moonlight falls on my wide awake eyes,
Is it 3am already?
I wonder what you are doing,
Lying awake looking at the moon too?
Or does that happen only in the movies?
You must probably be sleeping,
Dreaming, about a better world,
Yeah I know, a better world with her.......

As I struggle to escape reality,
And fall into a bottomless sky,
To land in a fantasy,
Where I wake up next to you,
Looking into your thoughts, I wish,
I could erase her subconscious presence,
Selfishness would you call it?
I call it love, in the only understandable way.......

I look at you now, sitting across me,
Humming a random song,
Your eyes lighting up at an anecdote,
You've been wanting to share with her,
She'll laugh I know, you're funny,
I'll treasure your look at that laugh,
The chuckle at the end of it all.........

I think you look great today,
Maybe I'll let you know,
But God!Are all the lines in this world
Used already?
Dreamy, thats what I am,
And you, in all your glory,
Contradict me,
I'll give up all my dreams,
For a moment of reality,
With you.......

I feel the tingle,
As you casually touch my arm,
And I think to myself,
What a waste!
Nothing grieves more deeply or pathetically
Than one half of a great love
That isn't meant to be......
One of Karla's lines. Or was it Didier?
I smile.
You ask me "What?"
I say "Nothing at all....."


If I could just tell you,
What I can write about you,
If you'd feel the same,
As I feel now,
Words would make more sense,
Words wouldn't be necessary at all.......