My ephemeral reverie...

I wake up and I'm still in my dream.It feels like my subconscious is a little relaxed and allows me a little more time in my morning dream.It won't take a genius to guess that it's your afterglow.The hangover, as my friends term it.Your smile is wicked, has anyone ever mentioned that?You smile, like you know my secret, like you've caught my mischief, you smile with ulterior motives.Your smile makes me smile, the sparkle in your eyes searches for the same in my eyes.Everytime I see you, my legs feel weak, I feel the need to sit next to you, your arm around mine, whispering your first name in your ear and blushing at the sweet nothings you say.Is it real?I pinch myself and even though I feel the sting, some part of me knows this is surreal.I'll wake up any minute now, I need to live every moment of this reality masquerading as a dream or is it a dream trying to be real?
I want to thaw at your exterior and reach out to the person you're inside.I want to laugh at your childlike charm and the innocent humour, know the bad things you did, the good things you didn't,your worst nightmare, your sweetest memory, your favourite word, your overwhelming moment.I need to know you for real, even as the very word is fast losing it's meaning in my dreamy mind.
We fit together, perfectly.Not a little gap in our symmetry, no crevice to misguide an intention, no faulty terrain to doubt an expression.I complement you, you complement me.We can be as contradictory as dreams and reality but at one instant, when a dream seems real or as reality transcends the borders of imagination, we are that instant in our sleepy lives.Teach me your heart and learn my thoughts, we've got very little time.I'll wake up any day, any minute now.Prolong my dream, a little further.Hold me in my fantasy transition.My ephemeral reverie, stay with me, let me dream, just a little longer...

Emotional infidelity...

"It's cold tonight,innit?"

"Do you need a jacket?I can run downsairs and grab one."

"Na.It's fine.Sipping wine is warm enough."

"So how was your day?"

"Not great.My son din't get into the school football team.He's been answering me in monosyllables for a week now.And my daughter thinks I hate her."

"Ah.Teenage angst.How old are they anyway?The last time I saw your son,I guess he was 8."

"He is 13 now.My girl is 18.Time slips through like sand,doesn't it?"

"Yeah.I have stopped counting the years I have been trying to..."

"I understand."

"She won't let me not try,you know.She just can't accept it-my helplessness and her failure."

"I hope everything will be fine.I can't imagine how hard it must be for her."

"That's the problem.Everyone knows her story-her longing,her desperation.What about me?Am I just a tool for her happiness,literally and figuratively?It's not that I don't want a kid.I can keep going on if I see even a glimpse of hope.I just can't..."

"Take your time."

"I just can't see the look on her face after every negative result.I see my own inadequency etched on her face.I'm tired..."

"Life sucks huh?Tell me about it!I got a call from a hotel in Ooty last week.They told me that my husband and his 'wife' had left behind a bag in the honeymoon suite."

"Oh.I'm so sorry."

"Don't be.He isn't that dumb you know,to give them his residence number.He wanted me to find out,I guess."

"That makes it worse."

"Just the same.He never cared for me anyway.Atleast he was considerate enough to let me know and save me all the trouble of finding out.Ironic."

"Did you confront him?"

"It isn't necessary.He understood.I'm mellow now.Acceptance looks so easy on the surface doesn't it?"

"Are you going to separate?"

"Would you?"

"That's not my answer."

"I can't tell that thought hasn't crossed my mind.But I can never do that to my kids.They are all I have."

"That's not true."

"I know"

"You do?"

"Isn't that kinda implicit?"

"Thank you for that.She says 'I love you' so many times,the words chain me with moral obligation."

"Don't we all?More often than not obligation is something you din't wish for."

"Isn't that why it becomes an obligation?"

"It does"

"It does"

"There's no moon tonight.Don't you love it that way?"

"Yes.The sky gives me companionship in my darkness."

"What about the stars?"

"There's always something to hold on to"

"I know"

"I'm glad you do"

"What say?Let's drink our troubles away?While your wife awaits her non-virile husband....."

"And your extra virile husband awaits his mistress....."

"Cheers"

"Cheers"

Comfort of a stranger...

I dint think it was possible.It did happen though.The title seems quite fascinating, doesn't it?Well I thought so too.I spoke to someone for quite some time a couple of days ago, happened to get my interest piqued.It felt surreal, other world-ly.People looked at me in a funny way, trying hard to look past my smiling eyes.I dint care, apathy is still one of my strongest points.We spoke about things I always speak about:music, movies, books.It seemed like a really weird viva session I guess, at least to him it did.This would just have been another lame conversation in my mind had it not been for the fact that it made my day.It wasn't phenomenal in any sort of way, it was unsurprisingly mundane.There wasn't a spectacular exchange of ideas.Now that I think about it, he probably got bored.But it doesn't matter because I may not have been important to him, even momentarily, in any way but he seemed like a saviour to me.After an entire week of depression and rising levels of melancholia, the conversation was soothing.Someone to talk to, someone who doesn't know me well yet, I can be a new person every time I make a new friend. I know it seems quite hypocritical of me but it isn't too much to ask for, is it?A little mystery to my already boring personality is quite a welcome change.So I take comfort in the fact that I got out of my 'phase'.It was a nice conversation and I couldn't help smiling at each of his lines.A little peek into his dream and a little opening up was all it took to make me commit to that moment.

As of now, I don't know what's on his mind, if there is anything on his mind regarding this.Maybe he is in a different place, I do not know.But just the charm of the memory, the bus ride, the jokes and the conversations makes me smile and makes me write, yet again...

My yesterday...

It's a pathetic attempt but I thought I had to write it...

I have tried,

And failed, several times,

To plaigiarise,

The working of your mind,

I wish I could have been,

What you always needed,

Instead I was always the second best,

Not quite something you wanted,

It breaks my heart,

When I think of us being apart,

Time heals, they say,

But all I want is a little more of my past,

A chance to do it all again,

One more time, I wish I could say,

What you mean to me, my love,

I wish I could live my yesterday...

I wish I could say something better,

Than the cliches I used,

A little more silence could bring us closer,

Could get you interested, get you seduced,

I want to kiss the tear,

That clings to your eye,

After a sad movie, a great book,

With you, I'd cry,

Let me get lost in your hair,

In the fragrance of the ebony mane,

Let me caress you once more,

And fall in love with you again,

I wish I could turn back time,

Just for once, just for today,

I wish I could win you back,

I wish I could live my yesterday...

And the hardest part...

Is letting go, I know, I know.I think I've officially entered my brand new phase of being low.Yes, it's new and guess what, it hurts too.I read about people who feel lonely in a crowd and that loneliness is a state of mind rather than a physical state of being.Now I know how it feels, the crushing extent of it.I sit here among my friends and try to laugh at their jokes and join in their conversations even as my mind tells me it's not working.Sooner or later, people will look through your facade, they'll know you are trying hard to feel accepted, to accept.Someday, someone will look past my big talk, look through my indifference and discover my innate feeling of being unbelonged.Someone will probably know why I hum 'All by myself' everytime I'm in a group.It is so automatic, it surprises me.

It's really hard to socialise, not quite as easy I imagined it to be.I always thought to myself I can make the transition anytime I want, I can smoothly slide over to the 'I'm friendly' state.But I find it harder, as I try hard to look into someone's eyes and keep a smile for a decent moment, I find it much harder each passing day, each passing minute.

I look through my contacts and think who'd understand me if I were to express what I feel right now.I find people who may listen, who may advise but I don't feel like sharing.I know that talking about it will probably lighten the apparent burden of it but it's hard to explain.I don't want to explain.And yet again, I'm here, writing about this mess in my mind because it's too frustrating to be the only one to talk to.It's liberating, it's my anti-depressant.

I probably make too much of a big deal about what goes on in my mediocre life.But it helps to think you're problems are important even if you aren't quite so...

The third extreme...

I had my share of criticism yesterday from my brother and a teacher of mine.Both of them told me that I wasn't 'to the point'; that my mind was everywhere but where it 'should' be.Firstly, I think I'm the one who decides where my mind actually 'should' be.I think I earned that right by having opaque thoughts.Secondly, now if I think about it, it makes sense why I'm that way. It's gotta do with the creativity. I don't think a creative person can have a myopic mind.I think art, literary or visual, is all about being broad minded, thinking in all possible ways. The permutations and combinations of thoughts are endless.How can anyone explain 'the point' of the Mona lisa?What is 'the point' anyway?The point that she's smiling?Even a smile, human art, cannot be completely to the point.All I can say is that if you're broad minded enough, creative enough(which are relative by the way), you can never be 'to the point', you can never be precise.It doesn't matter if you can't arrive at a conclusion.It's the innate human need of trying to reason out everything.Heck, me writing shows how much I'm trying to reason the criticism!I know it can be exhausting some times when there's no point to a book, or a song, but the beauty of it overshadows reason.It's the thought after all that counts at the end.Atleast to me, it does.There's always a slight percentage of fiction in fact and vice versa.Just as there's always the possibility of unsurity in most of the things!

My platonic lover...

He walked in the room, as always with a disarming non chalance. There was something about him that was so effortless and so easy. I don't know what it was; his smooth, candid conversations with people, friends and strangers alike, or his gait or his silent, comfortable presence around you. He smiled as he saw me and sat across the table. "Good news!" he said. "Please don't tell me you're fired?" I asked. He'd been in a tiff with his boss for the last couple of days. He smiled again." You're wrong.That would have been great news! I am getting married. She said yes!" He could hardly contain the excitement bursting through his incessant smile. "That is news!" I said, not sure what to feel. I hugged him and in an instant our whole lives passed by in front of my eyes...
We'd been great friends in school. We both watched football, both liked the same people and both had pretty much the same ideas.It was a little eerie to know a person who had the exact same thoughts as you did. It was somehow surreal but yet so realistic. The only opinion we did not share was that he was an atheist and I was a believer. We had loads of arguement on that subject and some of them were pretty intense. But we never reached a truce, we just kept offering explanations and disregarding each other. In a way, those arguements helped me grow spiritually because I found myself discovering reasons why I chose to believe. He helped me through rough patches, we fought like siblings, I advised him a plenty and we reached a stage of a friendship where words weren't necessary. But then she happened...
She was a mutual friend. She was pretty and sweet and always ready to lend a helping hand. But she was silly. And most times just plain dumb. Some people found it endearing. I did too. I thought it was in a way, cute. A kind of mistaken, misunderstood innocence. She was one of my closest friends and she was equally close to him as well. But then, one day, out of the blue, he confessed to me that he liked her a lot. I was initially shocked but then I was happy for them. She was a nice person and he was a great guy. They'd obviously make a wonderful relationship. They did in fact. But then as time passed, we lost touch. She was important to him. I understood that completely. But I also missed the intelligent conversations we had, the endless bickering about religion and God. Our silence became uncomfortable. He was completely blinded in the relationship they shared. He always agreed to whatever she had to say, whatever she did went unquestioned. It was quite a fall from grace for me personally. I moved on. I made new friends, had interesting conversations with others too. But somehow, nobody could fit the frame I had in mind except him. I missed him above everything. And I wondered if he did too.We met a few times and all we mostly did was talk about work. A few weeks ago he told me he was going to propose. I was happy and yet a little apprehensive. I din't see a future for them and it was scary to admit it. I just hoped for the best and wished him good luck.
"Hey, aren't you happy?" he asked, his spirits dampening a little with my unenthuisiastic response.
"What? Of course I am! You guys are my closest friends!" I smiled, getting my hopes up.
"That doesn't sound like you. I gave you one piece of advice over all these years and that was to be yourself and speak your mind. I can make out you aren't doing that right now." he said as he sat down again and sipped his coffee.
"Well, what can I say? You caught me! No offence, but I just din't see a future for you guys. I thought you'd get over her."
" But I love her. I thought you knew that."
"I did. I just din't see it."
"Everything need not have a reason my dear. Some things are beyond our arguements."
"Our arguements! Funny you should bring that up, I was just thinking about them."
"Yeah? I think about them all the time too. I miss them."
"Me too. But situations change. What can I say?"
"People change. I know I did. And I admire you for the fact that you din't"
"Thank you"
"Don't get all formal with me! The next thing I know, you'll start saying 'hi' and 'bye'!"
"Haha, don't worry about that. Some things never do change"
"I know"
"Me too"
"Did you know that I had a huge crush on you then?"
"I did. You kinda made it obvious."
"Did I? You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you and let you know. But I din't wanna ruin what we already had. So I never did tell you that"
"Well, I liked you then too. But things turn out the way they are for the best. Some one else also controls our lives besides ourselves.I know you'll laugh at my face but I totally belive in that."
"I never told you this and never wanted to because that'll mean you won. But since we are revealing things unknown, I'll just tell you."
"What can be so important?"
"You turned me into a believer. Something several people have tried for several years.But you succeeded and I'll love you and hate you for that!"
"This is wonderful information!Wow, I actually managed to influence another person's life. I should give myself much more credit than I do right now"
"You should.You deserve it.How's the boyfriend?"
"Still craving for committment. Few more days and he'll have withdrawal symptoms"
"You should settle down you know"
"And you should leave the advice section to me!"
"Ok, as you wish. Now that I am engaged, I have officially achieved a new high!"
"You know what I'd like? Prove me wrong about the two of you."
"I'll strive towards that end every single day, sweet!"
"I'd like that"
"Let's celebrate now. Wanna smoke?"
"I quit"
"Wanna share?"
"Ok"