Obligations and pragmatism...

"Hey."

"Hello.How have you been?"

"I'm quite ok.How about you?"

"I'm good too.Same old life."

"Same old, boring life*his annoying laugh*, I presume."

"Yeah...You told me once not to mention everytime that my life doesn't change much because you already know it.I remember things, unlike some people."

"Don't worry doll.I remember quite a lot of things myself."

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm...So what else?"

"I thought we'd agreed uopn using the phrase 'Then what?' instead of 'What else'?"

"Do I look like I care?"

"I was just making small talk."

"I thought that was my job."

"Not exactly.You just do it better than I do.You could keep up small talk spanning three hours of conversation."

"I thought you liked talking to me."

"I thought so too."

"You know babe, it's ironic that you always hated formalities and now all we have left is formalities."

"I know.I don't think it's possible for me to ever loosen up in your presence again."

"That's quite comforting. I'm just waiting for the day when I can relax in your presence again."

"You do know that I'm never going to be the same again right?"

"Yeah I do.The relaxing is for my benefit.That'll mean that I wouldn't care if you were around me anymore."

"I'll look forward to that day.Goodbye."

"My lover?"

"What?"

"*smiles* Nothing babe."

To whomsoever it may concern...

I think of you,
When I smell a whiff of cigarette smoke...
I think of you,
When I hear the word 'pugnacious'...
I think of you,
When I read something new...
I think of you,
When I listen to 'Goodbye my lover'...
I think of you,
When I use the word 'fair'...
I think of you,
When I see someone being mean...
I think of you,
Even when there are others to think about...
I mostly think of you,
When I see someone smile, for old times' sake
Or just for courtesy...

The Great Depression...

1)To stumble twice against the same stone is a proverbial disgrace.
2)Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
3)A stitch in time saves nine.
4)Once bitten, twice shy.
5)Failure is a stepping stone for success.

I took all these proverbs and flushed them down the crapper.

Yes, if you haven't guessed that my mood is not so fine by the title, well, you're a fool.I'm fucking pissed off, angry, raging mad, depressed, sad, needy, can I get anymore negative terms around here?I might just invent new ones now.The worst part of this godforsaken mess is: I don't know why I am in this s***.I have no reason, no rhyme(not even in the poems I have been writing.My humour has, mercilessly, remained lame.) I just proved to myself that I have no idea what will power is, 'motivation' is a word I wave at from my bedroom window and goal is something in a football field.Ambition, success, competition, talent?Do these words register in my dull brain?No siree.They have been befuddled in the haze of my extended nap time and in the rush of high cholestrol I consume, day after frigging day.I have written 3 poems recently, one draft almost done and I have no interest or intention of posting them here.Do not ask me why.

I went to the temple today.Willingly.I am still shocked by my behaviour.I felt at peace, lighter(only figuratively of course, my current carbohydrate consumption can add 15 extra pounds on all Haitians, individually.) It felt strange and inspiring.But of course, as it goes without saying, I forgot all about the 'inspiration' in a few nanoseconds.

I want to be alone for sometime and think about where I'm heading.I have learnt from my mistakes and will try not to repeat them.I have realised that I expect too much, I'm overconfident and I let people take me for granted.I wish to rectify these shortcomings.I will, hopefully.After all, tomorrow is another day.Sorry Margaret.Until later.

Do you really need a title?

Munh ki baat sune har koi
Dil ke dard ko jaane kaun...
Aawazon ke baazaaron mein
Khamoshi pehchaane kaun...

Amen.

Babe,
I do not know where to begin.Or rather how.I have never been a person of smooth beginnings and sound endings.It was always the middle ground I liked.But when I see you, in all your glory, I fall short of words; short of phrases to describe you, short of sentences to please you.I remember the way your shirt was crumpled the day before, it looked like you just got out of bed.Your greasy, messy hair, begging to be touched atleast once, if not ruffled.You incite so many feelings in me in a single instant, I'm scared of what I might do if I stay closer to you any longer.You lean in towards me, to catch a sentence I've been saying.And my voice quivers with intensity as I try hard not to bite your ear.My legs feel weak, my breathing faster.I know, love, that you feel nothing this intense, not for me, not for anyone you've known.You are cold, indifferent and, in your own words, too laidback.

Make all excuses you want, you will know one day, some day, the heat in my skin when I look at you.You don't know what passion is?Let my tongue outline it for you, on the pink borders of your nicotine lips.Let my hair leave little trails of goosebumps on the delectable muscle of your chest.Let my hands do the talking for the intentions I have for you in my mind.Your voice rings musically in my ears, your surprisingly soft touch makes me anticipate, more and more.Keep telling yourself you won't fall into this, darling.Surrender your body to me, just for a day.It doesn't take too long to feel alive.

My obsession for you borders on unhealthy, I know.Is it scary?I know your answer already.But know this too, you're marked.You can run away but you can't hide too long.My muse, don't you know it yet?

P.S-Tell me it din't turn you on.

-Crazed.

Must listen...

Lyrics:

Aah ko chaahiye ik umr asar hone tak
kaun jeetaa hai tere zulf ke sar hone tak

Aashiqui sabr-talab aur tamannaa betaab
dil kaa kyaa rang karuuN Khuunejigar hone tak

Ham ne maanaa ke taGaaful na karoge lekin
khaak ho jaayenge ham tumko Khabar hone tak


Gham-e-hastii kaa 'Asad' kis se ho juz marg ilaaj
shamm'a har rang men jalatii hai sehar hone tak.


It's just too beautiful to be written about.Revelling in its beauty...

Randomania!

roof, hazy stars, amavasya, phone calls, midnight conversations, mushroom soup, Hyundai Santro, coloured font on Yahoo Messenger, Kurt Cobain, cousins, friends, friends' cousins, accountability, betta, college trip, 30 minutes, complement, colour, black, 3 30am, free messages, ex boyfriends, ex girlfriends, lost times, damsels, immigrant song, black, tired eyes, dirty feet, pedicures, Kriti, laughter, espresso, tears, red noses, awkward dinners, missed out lunches, confused feelings, moving on, goodbyes, trains, late arrivals, sad departures, black jacket, long fingers, no replies, unsaid, half said, fragments, Kannika, lazy conversations, mutual excitements, bad choices, choices, options, admirers, muses, fiction, movies, before sunrise, poetry, art, beauty, life?, being me.

P.S- It's not supposed to make sense to the reader. If it does, it's eerie!