I believe...

This time, just this one time, maybe, in a faraway, less cynical corner of my mind, I believe that if I run for you, maybe I can run back in time...


Its past midnight and I cannot sleep yet.I don't know what describes me at this instant.I watched something which somehow touched me really deep.It made me think about you.Of course, you are mostly always on my mind, though not well defined.You're like a blurred image, almost one with the background, an intimate part of it, like a coffee cup on a coffee table, merged into the oneness of a being in my mind's imagination, but yet you stand out.Its funny if I think of it because when I see a picture, I try to comprehend the outline of it, the sharpness of it that limits what I'm looking at.But now, you're there and still somehow not.A ghost of a memory, wanting to be either forgotten or revived.You are that wound on my hand which has healed now, but the scar of it remains.When the wound was fresh, all I could think about was the wound.But time took care of it, as the cliche goes.How I hate time!Of course, I cant hate time.I will reform the sentence and say I hate the present.I have absolutely no issues with the past.It has treated me well.I do not regret saying the things I said or doing what I did or did not do.I keep trying to live it again, trying to inflict the wound again, but the ghost silently comforts me with the truth that its already done with.You can neither change it nor live it again.The future beckons me forward, the uncertain, the unforeseen, anything can happen, you may come back.It holds a store of possibilities, of hope, tomorrow is another day after all.It gives me the illusion, where I can pretend I'm better off, I can dream, I can create.I can believe...

Don't you sometimes think knowing is way better than believing?I do too.Its just that, magically, sometimes, what you believe in truly, becomes what you know.Illusion, where I see myself smiling in the future, I construct this make-believe world of mine, yes, I'm going to be happy, I can be happy.It wont hurt me later if it doesn't turn out to be true.Then, I can look back at it and not regret the illusion.Its just the present that kills me, oh so softly!Oh yes, tomorrow the present that killed me will be my unregretted past.I have a choice, everyone always has a choice.I choose to believe...

I choose to believe and thats why right now, I want to believe that I'll run to you, with all the faith I can think of, in myself, in you, in us, in that space between us that shrinks with every step I run, I will run.I will run, whether you stand there with open arms or not stand there at all, I will still run. I will still believe, that at some instant I will relive the past, I will still believe I can hold your hand the way I held it then, with the wound so fresh, I will still believe you'll laugh at my silly jokes and push my hair behind my ear, I will still believe you'll look at me when I look away, scared, anticipating, hesitant, in the moment, the present, now my past.I will still believe that this can be true.I believe I can realise my futuristic illusion, happy, satisfied, knowing and still in the dream, trying to believe that life didn't get to us after all...

Oh aaj mausammm.........

It is such a bad title.But the weather(yesterday actually, contradicting the title) was beautiful. It was warm and I dont know, somehow surreal. Of course my math exam did not allow me the simple pleasure of enjoying the nature I love right away.Sigh.What can I say except I so hate math!!!!Anyhoo, instead of wasting my energy and time which is by the way running out and I have fucking seven chapters to study for my physics exam tomorrow, I will tell you what was special about the weather yesterday.It was the 'coming back home' weather!I realised yesterday that everytime I go someplace else, I mean outta town, when I return, thats how the weather always is.Even if its May and frigging hot, its the same when I return.It makes me feel home.Even though I hate Hubli to its very core and cannot wait to get out of this hell hole, this weather is something so intrinsic about Hubli that it lures me into being happy. And mind you, me being happy is an elusive dream(If you are in doubt, ask my parents!). Its like a butterfly, you know.You think its got pretty wings and you go and try to catch it, somehow trap it, but it always finds a loophole.And once you do catch it, its beautiful wings are the ones that get hurt first.See what I am saying?Anyway, this weather is now officially the 'coming back home' weather. And as I was riding(the fine text reads: On my shiny black Honda Activa with the spring air in my gorgeous hair.God that rhymes!I must be a born poet!) on this road, without a pothole in sight(such a RARE treat in Hubli), with Gulmohar trees on both sides of the road, the smell of the 'coming home weather' making me forget all about the fearful prospect of solving differential equations.Its special and its rare and its beautiful.

Pleh!

Okpa!Its official.I have the most unproductive life .Seriously.I consumed like a zillion calories today.And watched That 70s show all day long!I mean I'm like extra ___ pounds on earth (You think I'll tell the world how much I weigh?Doubt mat rakhna!) Well anyway, blah blah, read this:

1)This song called 'Hello it's me' by Todd Rundgren is out of the world. It seemed more delightful when it was playing in the Vista Cruiser as Eric and Donna kissed for the first time.Sigh.What a wonderful life!

2) Read this. Its pure, imported turd of course. But its freaking funny!

3)I watched 'Requiem for a dream' last night.It is deeply disturbing.I could totally relate to the charater of Sara Goldfarb.Its no joke, being fat.

4)I have exams in a week and I am not one bit tensed or prepared. But I know I'll sail through. With an 8.5 pointer.You'll see.

5)My future looks so bleak now.I have no idea what I want in life and what to expect.All I know is I have to see Kashmir before I die.And also go on an African safari with Dad. Also kiss Ashton Kutcher.Ok now I'm delusional. I guess its all the butterscotch ice cream.Hmmm.....I'll have some more.

6)I am so high right now!

7)I have a new addiction to cola.I thought it was only the Americans and some west influenced youth who craved for Pepsi but now I'm addicted too.Even though I think that Pepsi ads are some of the corniest ads ever made and should be banned for the sole reason of being a huge taint on the consumer intelligence.

8)I so wanna be un-single!!

9)I love Coldplay.

10)I have no more problem with attendance.Whooppie!

P.S-I know you don't care, but guess what?Neither do I!

Honestly.....

I think of you now,
As the moonlight falls on my wide awake eyes,
Is it 3am already?
I wonder what you are doing,
Lying awake looking at the moon too?
Or does that happen only in the movies?
You must probably be sleeping,
Dreaming, about a better world,
Yeah I know, a better world with her.......

As I struggle to escape reality,
And fall into a bottomless sky,
To land in a fantasy,
Where I wake up next to you,
Looking into your thoughts, I wish,
I could erase her subconscious presence,
Selfishness would you call it?
I call it love, in the only understandable way.......

I look at you now, sitting across me,
Humming a random song,
Your eyes lighting up at an anecdote,
You've been wanting to share with her,
She'll laugh I know, you're funny,
I'll treasure your look at that laugh,
The chuckle at the end of it all.........

I think you look great today,
Maybe I'll let you know,
But God!Are all the lines in this world
Used already?
Dreamy, thats what I am,
And you, in all your glory,
Contradict me,
I'll give up all my dreams,
For a moment of reality,
With you.......

I feel the tingle,
As you casually touch my arm,
And I think to myself,
What a waste!
Nothing grieves more deeply or pathetically
Than one half of a great love
That isn't meant to be......
One of Karla's lines. Or was it Didier?
I smile.
You ask me "What?"
I say "Nothing at all....."


If I could just tell you,
What I can write about you,
If you'd feel the same,
As I feel now,
Words would make more sense,
Words wouldn't be necessary at all.......

I quote.....

"Life's like an hourglass glued to the table........"

Sigh.Wish I could say it was mine.Its from a song called 'Breathe' by Anna Nalick.Lovely song.I tried to put up the video but I'm just plain dumb.So here's the link.Listen to it.

Meh!

I'm in knee deep *ahem*.I have an attendance shortage!If you have been reading my blog regularly, you'll know its nothing new.Except this time it's for real.I am so screwed.Just hoping and praying that they don't make me attend short semester.You know 'they'.As in 'Oh my God!They killed Kenny!You bastards!'.I love that show!(For those of you who have no clue what Im talking about, here).Anyhoo, I got nothing important to write about today(brain says "Yeah!Like you got something important to write on other days!").This is a list of random thoughts and events happening in my life for the past week.I have been down mostly but I think its just a progressively getting worse PMS.Without further excuses for being just plain lazy, here it is:

1)I watched 'Main, Meri patni or Woh' again some day.Everytime I watch it, I think to myself "I've gotta write about this!"So finally decided to do that.It is a delightful movie.Its so grounded and real yet whimsical and dreamy.Anyone who doesnt come under the banner of physically attractive can relate to it.I dont and I do.Its insecurity meets a secret wish.Go watch it.Karan Johar can learn a thing or two about love from this.And of course, the biggest plus point of this movie is Kay Kay Menon looking incredibly breath taking and sexy with a seductive non chalance singing a ghazal with a glass of whisky in his hand.Lucky glass of whisky!Rituparno is gorgeous.She has this tiny bump on the tip of her nose which looks as if a tear is eternally clinging to her nose.Rajpal Yadav is a fine actor.Period.Its a rare beauty.Do watch it.

2) "I was just guessing at numbers and figures, Pulling the puzzles apart, Questions of science, science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart...... Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, Oh I wanna rush to the start, Running in circles, chasing our tails, Coming back as we are..........."

Havent you guessed it already?Its 'The scientist', stupid!This song used to put me to sleep sometime ago and I couldnt possibly imagine how this song was popular.But now as I listen to it twenty three hundred times a day on repeat, I cannot help but love it.It flows on you.Seriously, this song is smooth, man!And the lyrics are so lovely.Great song to hum too.

3)I havent slept properly for a week.I mean I do sleep, for like 8-9 hours a day but its such an unsatisfying sleep.I dont feel charged up as I usually, in minuscule amounts, do.All night I stare outside the window and I realised that the moonlight is extra beautiful nowadays.I dont appreciate it much considering Im almost suicidal that I am turning into an insomniac.But the moonlight, ah, it takes your mind away. Far away on the silvery, hazy path to dreamland.I miss dreams.I miss sleep more of course.But life seems so unfulfilling without a little bit of fantasy.Sigh.Hoping for sleep tonight and getting lost in Chad Michael Murray's arms........

4)I love Ashton Kutcher.He is just so cute!Even in That 70s show, where he is superhumanly dumb, he is so awesomely good looking.I have an overdose of Ashton now, what with That 70s show and The butterfly effect and A lot like love and Just married.And I do not need rehab baby!I can live off him for a year!(I have no idea whats that supposed to mean!)

5)I absolutely love Amy Winehouse's voice.Its so sincere and deep and inexplicably nostalgic.Also Chris Martin is so soothing.Its like a balm to loneliness and depression, his voice.Even Bono's voice is like in a league of its own.Especially in 'With or without you'.



Ok I'm done.I can rack my brain and find some more.But I'm bored and Kelso looks irresistable in a cop's uniform.So Im gonna get going.Cya soon with something intelligible hopefully!

Lonely tonight.....

It has been a long time, I know,
And it seems almost welcome,
But now as it creeps in sight,
I cannot help but feel,
I have never felt as lonely
As I feel tonight.

Melancholy has always been a chapter most read,
And its battered pages dont seem to turn,
As I hug myself to sleep tight,
I cannot help but feel,
I have never felt as lonely
As I feel tonight.

It doesnt seem so hard on me anymore,
Feels like yesterday and predicts my tomorrow,
And as it defeats me, yet again, in an already conceded fight,
I cannot help but feel,
I have never felt as lonely
As I feel tonight.

It drifts around me with a hazy finality,
And makes its way in my dreams,
And as darkness slowly engulfs the light,
I cannot help but feel,
I have never felt as lonely
As I feel tonight.

As Elvis sings 'Love me tender',
And the moon's incandescence bathes the sky,
Asking me 'Has it ever felt right?'
I cannot help but feel,
I have never felt as lonely
As I feel tonight.

I remember you vividly,
You reminded me of me,
And life's shortcomings seemed finite
I have never felt as lonely,
As I feel tonight....