Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I believe...

This time, just this one time, maybe, in a faraway, less cynical corner of my mind, I believe that if I run for you, maybe I can run back in time...


Its past midnight and I cannot sleep yet.I don't know what describes me at this instant.I watched something which somehow touched me really deep.It made me think about you.Of course, you are mostly always on my mind, though not well defined.You're like a blurred image, almost one with the background, an intimate part of it, like a coffee cup on a coffee table, merged into the oneness of a being in my mind's imagination, but yet you stand out.Its funny if I think of it because when I see a picture, I try to comprehend the outline of it, the sharpness of it that limits what I'm looking at.But now, you're there and still somehow not.A ghost of a memory, wanting to be either forgotten or revived.You are that wound on my hand which has healed now, but the scar of it remains.When the wound was fresh, all I could think about was the wound.But time took care of it, as the cliche goes.How I hate time!Of course, I cant hate time.I will reform the sentence and say I hate the present.I have absolutely no issues with the past.It has treated me well.I do not regret saying the things I said or doing what I did or did not do.I keep trying to live it again, trying to inflict the wound again, but the ghost silently comforts me with the truth that its already done with.You can neither change it nor live it again.The future beckons me forward, the uncertain, the unforeseen, anything can happen, you may come back.It holds a store of possibilities, of hope, tomorrow is another day after all.It gives me the illusion, where I can pretend I'm better off, I can dream, I can create.I can believe...

Don't you sometimes think knowing is way better than believing?I do too.Its just that, magically, sometimes, what you believe in truly, becomes what you know.Illusion, where I see myself smiling in the future, I construct this make-believe world of mine, yes, I'm going to be happy, I can be happy.It wont hurt me later if it doesn't turn out to be true.Then, I can look back at it and not regret the illusion.Its just the present that kills me, oh so softly!Oh yes, tomorrow the present that killed me will be my unregretted past.I have a choice, everyone always has a choice.I choose to believe...

I choose to believe and thats why right now, I want to believe that I'll run to you, with all the faith I can think of, in myself, in you, in us, in that space between us that shrinks with every step I run, I will run.I will run, whether you stand there with open arms or not stand there at all, I will still run. I will still believe, that at some instant I will relive the past, I will still believe I can hold your hand the way I held it then, with the wound so fresh, I will still believe you'll laugh at my silly jokes and push my hair behind my ear, I will still believe you'll look at me when I look away, scared, anticipating, hesitant, in the moment, the present, now my past.I will still believe that this can be true.I believe I can realise my futuristic illusion, happy, satisfied, knowing and still in the dream, trying to believe that life didn't get to us after all...

1 comment:

Sushiel.Nagmule said...

wOw... cAn tHerE bE anY bEtteR n pERfEct tHAn thIs??.... AmaziNg....
i lIke thE liNe... ''knOwin iS wAy bEttEr den believin''...
yOu knOw wAt... you'rE sOme kindA mOnstEr....:p