My last word

I had promised myself I wouldn't be the one to get hurt at the end of all this.But promises are meant to be broken, even if they are made to oneself.I think I've reached a point in my life where I just let things happen to me and I feel control-less, even of the trivial details.Hangover?Still trying to hold on to him?In love with his 'idea'?Too disappointed that he dint turn out the way I expected?Yes, to all the questions.I can't believe I was trying so hard to make him a part of my life somehow.Just the thought that he'd be there in my life; as a tour guide when I visit his hometown, the most drunk guest at my wedding, the brother you could borrow money from and not feel guilty, the sympathetic ear you could call up in the middle of the night and talk about your latest failed relationship, the hard hitting practical advisor telling me to get real, just being there in the background of my monochromatic life, waving with a satisfaction that it's all good.Was I expecting too much?Maybe, I've been guilty of that several times.But why does life always want to remind me that I need to be real?Can I not dream and hope and live in my world of romance?Do I have to wake up to face the facts?Fact is that, right now even though I seem indifferent and angry, I'm deeply hurt and sad.I've been unable to move on with my life.To face the prospect of my life without him in it is crushing me with each sunrise.The fact that every stupid thing that I see or hear leads me to a memory of a conversation I had with him.The fact that those inane conversations meant so much to me and nothing to him.The fact that there aren't going to be any more conversations.The fact that I feel so pathetically vulnerable and seeing him smile, so unbothered, kills me with a slow patient pace. Facts?Oh yes, they're right on the table.But am I fool if I choose not to hurt my sensitive palate and opt for fantasy instead?A fantasy where he comes up to me to surprise me with a sweet gesture or says with a straight, honest face that he'll make it up to me somehow; a fantasy where he'll smile his wicked smile and I start singing 'I'll be alright' in my head.It seems so silly, innit?But then again, he liked silly...
P.S-1)I'll always remember his voice.
2)I think I'm much better now.
3)No, it wasn't love.
4)Ten posts on him and I'm finally calling it quits.My new muse, where art thou?

A bus, a train...
Things used for transport?
Exam results...
Things that always go bad?
Approval, acceptance...
Things you complain your mother never gave enough of?
The rain on a hot, summer day...
Things that never happen when you really want it?
A phone call, a text message...
Things that I don't get very often?
The day he's going to come and talk to you again...
Things that I wait for!


Touche, you dumbass.

Do I know you?

I know which word you're going to use as a response to a question you've been expecting.I know what kind of a smile it's going to be.I know you'll grab a book and fan yourself.I know that your touch will always give me goosebumps.I know I'll always have a special emotion for you which I've never quite labelled...

Do I seek randomness in life?Nothing planned out, taking it all in as it comes to me, exciting, mysterious?Hasn't everyone at some point wished for these adjectives to describe their present?

But then you come along to tap on long forgotten memories, expressions I've quite grown out of.You tell me my cliches have always intrigued you...

Now I know what emotion I've felt for the past few days.It's called 'familiarity'.And the fact that the same person, the same words, the same expressions, the same smiles still interest me is surprising.Or should I say, an unfamiliar feeling...

Five

Five things I can live without:
1)Being called 'fat' and 'lazy'
2)(Melo)Drama in my life
3)Lavish weddings
4)Moisturisers
5)Routine

Five movies I don't mind watching again:
1)Before Sunrise
2)Requiem for a dream
3)The Dark Knight
4)Forrest Gump
5)The Departed

Five tunes I'll always hum:
1)All by myself
2)Comfortably numb
3)Don't panic
4)My funny valentine
5)Blowin' in the wind

Five people I'll always love:
1)Kannika
2)Kriti
3)Swapnil
4)Kurt Cobain
5)Anna

Five things I'll always be:
1)Romantic
2)Pseudo-cynic
3)Condescending
4)Bad at lying
5)Intrigued

P.S-1)I know no one cares.
2)They aren't necessarily in order.
3)Share your 'fives'!

How could I have missed this?

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go.

So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...

I really do...

Wishful thinking...

Don't you sometimes wish you had a horrible memory?And awful pattern matching skills?That one thing dint lead to another?That you could never trace back your thoughts to something you'd rather not think about?And less number of deja vus?

P.S-Last statement in connection to shortage of attendance.Again!It doesn't even seem like a deja vu anymore, it's happened way too many times.Now I know what Ursula meant in 'One hundred years of solitude'.Time is going in a circle.Sigh.

Come to me...

Come to me,
Tonight,
I know you've got friends,
I know you don't need me,
But I need to hear your voice tonight,
I'm scared baby,
I'm scared of letting you go
Completely,
Scared of the idea,
That we were never meant to be,
I'm scared,
That you won't be around anymore,
That you'd rather be someplace else...

I have been too restless, too long,
I've been too passionate, too long,
Come to me love,
Drain my hopes,
Erase my memories,
Of you,
Of listening to your voice at 3am,
Kill those little moments,
Of laughter and dreams,
I can't think of them anymore,
I can't need them anymore...

I wish I could be happy for you,
I want to be baby,
Come to me,
Hush me,
Whisper softly in my ear that it will be fine,
Pretend like you mean it,
And I'll nod along beneath my tears,
Tears that have refused to flow,
Since you been gone,
I need you tonight baby,
I need you to hush me quiet...

Hold me, till it all fades away,
Till I can finally say,
"It was nice knowing you..."

Obligations and pragmatism...

"Hey."

"Hello.How have you been?"

"I'm quite ok.How about you?"

"I'm good too.Same old life."

"Same old, boring life*his annoying laugh*, I presume."

"Yeah...You told me once not to mention everytime that my life doesn't change much because you already know it.I remember things, unlike some people."

"Don't worry doll.I remember quite a lot of things myself."

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm...So what else?"

"I thought we'd agreed uopn using the phrase 'Then what?' instead of 'What else'?"

"Do I look like I care?"

"I was just making small talk."

"I thought that was my job."

"Not exactly.You just do it better than I do.You could keep up small talk spanning three hours of conversation."

"I thought you liked talking to me."

"I thought so too."

"You know babe, it's ironic that you always hated formalities and now all we have left is formalities."

"I know.I don't think it's possible for me to ever loosen up in your presence again."

"That's quite comforting. I'm just waiting for the day when I can relax in your presence again."

"You do know that I'm never going to be the same again right?"

"Yeah I do.The relaxing is for my benefit.That'll mean that I wouldn't care if you were around me anymore."

"I'll look forward to that day.Goodbye."

"My lover?"

"What?"

"*smiles* Nothing babe."

To whomsoever it may concern...

I think of you,
When I smell a whiff of cigarette smoke...
I think of you,
When I hear the word 'pugnacious'...
I think of you,
When I read something new...
I think of you,
When I listen to 'Goodbye my lover'...
I think of you,
When I use the word 'fair'...
I think of you,
When I see someone being mean...
I think of you,
Even when there are others to think about...
I mostly think of you,
When I see someone smile, for old times' sake
Or just for courtesy...