Wednesday, October 29, 2008

10 things you probably didn't know about me.

1)I have an artificial tooth.(Front tooth)
2)I am a huge fan of Dexter's laboratory.
3)I actually loved Dhoom 2 the first time I watched it.(Second day, second show if I'm not wrong.)
4)I am addicted to caffeine.
5)I have a huge crush on Rachel Green(Jennifer Aniston's character) from 'Friends' season 1 and 2.Man, those legs!:P
6)I'm a little bi-curious.(I guess anyone can guess that after the above mentioned point!)
7)I cannot wait to have kids and raise them.
8)My ultimate dream is to direct a movie based on my school days and call it 'Doughnuts of Durga bakery'.
9)My mind is sexier than Angelina Jolie's body.
10)I'm not as selfish and self obsessed as I seem to be.
P.S-If you are reading it and you already know all these points, then you're either Kriti or Kannika.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Happy Deepavali!

Diwali or Deepavali is my favourite festival of the year.I come from a very conservative and traditional Hindu, Brahmin family so festivals are a one too many in my house.Almost every alternate day demands a big lunch and endless vermilion applications.Coconut breakings, garland offerings, aartis, poojas, homas and havanas are a routine thing.But Deepavali, despite following the same scheme of events is very refreshing and different.

 As a kid, it was definitely the best festival because all my cousins came over to my house and we had quite a 'blast'(forgive the pun!).The endless exchange of different versions of the same memory between my aunts, the going out with appa and uncles to buy firecrackers, late night gossip, ajji's laddoos, ajja's was like an alternate universe.We bought new clothes the previous day despite knowing that the market place would be swarming with last minute buyers.It never occurred to us that we could buy our Diwali stuff in advance.We'd be tired walking around the market and crib about our aching legs till we got sent to bed with stern warnings.The next morning, on Narak Chaturdashi was the aarti.We'd wake up as early as possible, usually around 5 30am, dress up in our brand new clothes, wear bangles(which we hated on the other days of the year) and sit in line with our brothers and uncles for the aarti.Our mothers performed the aarti, sang the same aarti song every year as we hummed along.They'd apply a little oil(a fragrant one.This point too made Diwali an exciting thing for us.) on our hair with a gold ring.Then we'd bow to God and our elders.We'd accept the prasad and then we'd all walk to the nearest Hanuman temple.After visiting the temple, our mothers would oil us and give us a nice, hot bath.The Deepavali lunch was always heavy.Payasa(sweetened porridge), kosambri(salad),chutney,chitranna(lemon rice), my ajji prepared all varieties of delicacies on a coal stove.I can still remember the taste of the lunch just by reminiscing about it.The heavy lunch was followed by ice cream bought from the street hawker.My brother would finish his off quickly and beg for a bite from mine.We'd fight over it, I'd usually end up crying.He did it every year though, just so he could tease me.A siesta ensued after the dessert.Evenings were again dedicated to dressing up(for the girls) and firecrackers(for the guys).We'd block our ears and close our eyes as my brothers lit patakha on patakha(or as we call it, patakshi).In the end, we burst firecrackers too, with our mothers' warnings about fire safety ringing in our ears.This went on till almost 10 in the night after which the younger siblings got to light a special rocket or a special flower pot under the careful supervision of an elder.We'd all be exhilirated with the gorgeous display of colours and fire and go to sleep late in the night, still thinking about the evening.

It's quite different now.My cousins don't come over.They celebrate the festival in their own homes.My brother works in Bangalore, he cannot get off work for too many days.The few days he is here, he spends half his time catching up with old friends.Ajji wasn't in town this year, so amma cooked instead.Amma cooks well too but not in ajji's league.Diwali has been a quiet festival for the past seven years because I banned firecrackers at my place.Just the traditional lighting of the diyas and we're done with the display.Diwali shopping was low key too.I wasn't interested in clothes this year.Yet, the aarti was something I looked forward to, I lit the diyas at twilight and wished for everyone's well being.The chill in the air was the same on Diwali morning as it was ten years ago.The mist that hung was a little smoggier though.I made quite a few bucks.In the end, it was a very normal festival.The charm of it lay in the remembrances this time...

I know two stories that relate to Diwali.One being the return of Lord Rama and Goddess Sita to Ayodhya from Lanka.And the other one tells us how Lord Krishna defeated the demon Narakasura. Whatever may be the reason for celebration, Diwali is by far the most significant and symbolic festival.The whole concept of lighting lamps to symbolise the light engulfing darkness, knowledge winning over ignorance is very enlightening(again, unintended!).I hope people realise, at least by next year, how bad firecrackers are for the environment and do away with them entirely.Wishful thinking na?I don't know why we have to maim nature on every occasion, in the name of God.Anyway, without further digression, my favourite festival of the year went really well.Here's wishing you a very Happy Deepavali.I sincerely hope all the festive greetings come true.Have fun!:)

Sunday, October 26, 2008

If you forget me...

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

- By: Pablo Neruda

Thursday, October 23, 2008

My ephemeral reverie...

I wake up and I'm still in my dream.It feels like my subconscious is a little relaxed and allows me a little more time in my morning dream.It won't take a genius to guess that it's your afterglow.The hangover, as my friends term it.Your smile is wicked, has anyone ever mentioned that?You smile, like you know my secret, like you've caught my mischief, you smile with ulterior motives.Your smile makes me smile, the sparkle in your eyes searches for the same in my eyes.Everytime I see you, my legs feel weak, I feel the need to sit next to you, your arm around mine, whispering your first name in your ear and blushing at the sweet nothings you say.Is it real?I pinch myself and even though I feel the sting, some part of me knows this is surreal.I'll wake up any minute now, I need to live every moment of this reality masquerading as a dream or is it a dream trying to be real?
I want to thaw at your exterior and reach out to the person you're inside.I want to laugh at your childlike charm and the innocent humour, know the bad things you did, the good things you didn't,your worst nightmare, your sweetest memory, your favourite word, your overwhelming moment.I need to know you for real, even as the very word is fast losing it's meaning in my dreamy mind.
We fit together, perfectly.Not a little gap in our symmetry, no crevice to misguide an intention, no faulty terrain to doubt an expression.I complement you, you complement me.We can be as contradictory as dreams and reality but at one instant, when a dream seems real or as reality transcends the borders of imagination, we are that instant in our sleepy lives.Teach me your heart and learn my thoughts, we've got very little time.I'll wake up any day, any minute now.Prolong my dream, a little further.Hold me in my fantasy transition.My ephemeral reverie, stay with me, let me dream, just a little longer...

Friday, October 17, 2008

Emotional infidelity...

"It's cold tonight,innit?"

"Do you need a jacket?I can run downsairs and grab one."

"Na.It's fine.Sipping wine is warm enough."

"So how was your day?"

"Not great.My son din't get into the school football team.He's been answering me in monosyllables for a week now.And my daughter thinks I hate her."

"Ah.Teenage angst.How old are they anyway?The last time I saw your son,I guess he was 8."

"He is 13 now.My girl is 18.Time slips through like sand,doesn't it?"

"Yeah.I have stopped counting the years I have been trying to..."

"I understand."

"She won't let me not try,you know.She just can't accept it-my helplessness and her failure."

"I hope everything will be fine.I can't imagine how hard it must be for her."

"That's the problem.Everyone knows her story-her longing,her desperation.What about me?Am I just a tool for her happiness,literally and figuratively?It's not that I don't want a kid.I can keep going on if I see even a glimpse of hope.I just can't..."

"Take your time."

"I just can't see the look on her face after every negative result.I see my own inadequency etched on her face.I'm tired..."

"Life sucks huh?Tell me about it!I got a call from a hotel in Ooty last week.They told me that my husband and his 'wife' had left behind a bag in the honeymoon suite."

"Oh.I'm so sorry."

"Don't be.He isn't that dumb you know,to give them his residence number.He wanted me to find out,I guess."

"That makes it worse."

"Just the same.He never cared for me anyway.Atleast he was considerate enough to let me know and save me all the trouble of finding out.Ironic."

"Did you confront him?"

"It isn't necessary.He understood.I'm mellow now.Acceptance looks so easy on the surface doesn't it?"

"Are you going to separate?"

"Would you?"

"That's not my answer."

"I can't tell that thought hasn't crossed my mind.But I can never do that to my kids.They are all I have."

"That's not true."

"I know"

"You do?"

"Isn't that kinda implicit?"

"Thank you for that.She says 'I love you' so many times,the words chain me with moral obligation."

"Don't we all?More often than not obligation is something you din't wish for."

"Isn't that why it becomes an obligation?"

"It does"

"It does"

"There's no moon tonight.Don't you love it that way?"

"Yes.The sky gives me companionship in my darkness."

"What about the stars?"

"There's always something to hold on to"

"I know"

"I'm glad you do"

"What say?Let's drink our troubles away?While your wife awaits her non-virile husband....."

"And your extra virile husband awaits his mistress....."



Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Comfort of a stranger...

I dint think it was possible.It did happen though.The title seems quite fascinating, doesn't it?Well I thought so too.I spoke to someone for quite some time a couple of days ago, happened to get my interest piqued.It felt surreal, other world-ly.People looked at me in a funny way, trying hard to look past my smiling eyes.I dint care, apathy is still one of my strongest points.We spoke about things I always speak about:music, movies, books.It seemed like a really weird viva session I guess, at least to him it did.This would just have been another lame conversation in my mind had it not been for the fact that it made my day.It wasn't phenomenal in any sort of way, it was unsurprisingly mundane.There wasn't a spectacular exchange of ideas.Now that I think about it, he probably got bored.But it doesn't matter because I may not have been important to him, even momentarily, in any way but he seemed like a saviour to me.After an entire week of depression and rising levels of melancholia, the conversation was soothing.Someone to talk to, someone who doesn't know me well yet, I can be a new person every time I make a new friend. I know it seems quite hypocritical of me but it isn't too much to ask for, is it?A little mystery to my already boring personality is quite a welcome change.So I take comfort in the fact that I got out of my 'phase'.It was a nice conversation and I couldn't help smiling at each of his lines.A little peek into his dream and a little opening up was all it took to make me commit to that moment.
As of now, I don't know what's on his mind, if there is anything on his mind regarding this.Maybe he is in a different place, I do not know.But just the charm of the memory, the bus ride, the jokes and the conversations makes me smile and makes me write, yet again...

My yesterday...

It's a pathetic attempt but I thought I had to write it...

I have tried,
And failed, several times,
To plaigiarise,
The working of your mind,
I wish I could have been,
What you always needed,
Instead I was always the second best,
Not quite something you wanted,
It breaks my heart,
When I think of us being apart,
Time heals, they say,
But all I want is a little more of my past,
A chance to do it all again,
One more time, I wish I could say,
What you mean to me, my love,
I wish I could live my yesterday...

I wish I could say something better,
Than the cliches I used,
A little more silence could bring us closer,
Could get you interested, get you seduced,
I want to kiss the tear,
That clings to your eye,
After a sad movie, a great book,
With you, I'd cry,
Let me get lost in your hair,
In the fragrance of the ebony mane,
Let me caress you once more,
And fall in love with you again,
I wish I could turn back time,
Just for once, just for today,
I wish I could win you back,
I wish I could live my yesterday...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

And the hardest part...

Is letting go, I know, I know.I think I've officially entered my brand new phase of being low.Yes, it's new and guess what, it hurts too.I read about people who feel lonely in a crowd and that loneliness is a state of mind rather than a physical state of being.Now I know how it feels, the crushing extent of it.I sit here among my friends and try to laugh at their jokes and join in their conversations even as my mind tells me it's not working.Sooner or later, people will look through your facade, they'll know you are trying hard to feel accepted, to accept.Someday, someone will look past my big talk, look through my indifference and discover my innate feeling of being unbelonged.Someone will probably know why I hum 'All by myself' everytime I'm in a group.It is so automatic, it surprises me.
It's really hard to socialise, not quite as easy I imagined it to be.I always thought to myself I can make the transition anytime I want, I can smoothly slide over to the 'I'm friendly' state.But I find it harder, as I try hard to look into someone's eyes and keep a smile for a decent moment, I find it much harder each passing day, each passing minute.
I look through my contacts and think who'd understand me if I were to express what I feel right now.I find people who may listen, who may advise but I don't feel like sharing.I know that talking about it will probably lighten the apparent burden of it but it's hard to explain.I don't want to explain.And yet again, I'm here, writing about this mess in my mind because it's too frustrating to be the only one to talk to.It's liberating, it's my anti-depressant.
I probably make too much of a big deal about what goes on in my mediocre life.But it helps to think you're problems are important even if you aren't quite so...