Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Momentary lapses of...facial muscles?

She stands near the door, going through her bag, apparently looking for her keys. I know that she is trying to put on that elaborate act of fumbling through the contents of her bag just to avoid looking up to catch me stare at her. She has to look up sometime. I persevere. She looks up half a second later. I smile. I know that she will begin thinking about all the metaphors she can use for my 'impish' or 'wicked' or what was the other word? Damn, I forget. Not that I care. I always told her she was too romantic and should stop dreaming away and get real. She hadn't noticed me all this time even as I sat right behind her. Maybe it worked. That's a first. I can't tell what she is thinking right now. She is usually quick on the uptake, she must have already written half a piece of prose on my, what was that word again? smile. Her face is impassive. She is totally still, expressionless. I'm a little hopeful, waiting that she won't break the spell. Then her face lights up as she gives me a big, toothy smile.Just when I thought I was done with this!When will she ever remember that she has gotten over me?Damn!Better look down now before she makes up something else...

You're the reason I sing

I'd forgotten how much I love this song. And have to say, rediscovery tastes much better. This song was written by Bono as a tribute to his father.

Link.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Meh!

One bag of potato chips.

One jar full of water.

Some time alone.

Who cares about impending exams?

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I never thought you were a fool. But darling, look at you!

"Do you remember that time..."

*chuckle*

"What? Let me finish..."

"You don't have to do this!"

"Do what? Be nostalgic?"

"Well, yeah. Don't try that whole angle with me."

"What angle?!"

"You know that thing where you tell me a forgotten memory and I think about it all moist eyed and then remember how much I've missed you and lean in for a kiss? It's too cliche."

"I'm just trying to relive a moment. And get a kiss, yes. Because trust me, you'll go all 'Aww...' when you listen to this!"

"Knowing me, you have the gall to say that."

"At least listen to me!"

"OK. Go ahead. What specific moment in our long stint of getting messed up should I remember?"

"You know that time when you'd sneak out and...?Forget it.You ruined the moment."

"Hey, I'm sorry. Tell me. Now I really want to know. I'd sneak out and...?"

"I don't want to say."

"Please? Pretty, pretty please?"

"Nope."

"You're such a girl! Grow a pair and just tell me, will ya?"

"Now that's my girl!OK the moment's back.So you'd sneak out and come over to my roof and we'd drink beer all night?"

"Yeah. I don't remember any of my conversations when I was drunk. I don't want to rather. I'd get embarrassingly sentimental and sound alarmingly like you."

"You light up my day sweetheart. Well, I hate beer."

"So?"

"Sigh. Anyone would have thought how that was a sweet gesture and gone misty eyed and appreciated how I'd go through that pain of fermented poison sliding down my throat just to be with you but oh no, the world would end if it knew you had a heart."

"Aww...That's so sweet!I never would have thought a pansy like you hated beer!I have missed you so.Come closer, get a blanket.We'll sit all cuddled up inside and hum Backstreet Boys' songs!"

"I really did miss you babe."

"I know. I knew you hated beer anyway. I'd just wait for the day when you'd confess that. And you have to do it now. You think life is like a rom-com, don't you?"

"If I manage to make you cry, I swear it'll beat 'Notting Hill' being the best movie ever made."

"You think 'Notting Hill' is the best movie ever made?!"

"Let's not start that. Try a conversation my way sometimes. It bruises my ego less."

"You love the bruises, you masochistic fool."

"Well, true. Who am I kidding? So you think life is like a splatter/gore movie eh? Or rather you'd like it to be that way?"

"I'm not all that violent you know. For all my talk about punching you in the nose, I'd probably start crying if I saw you hurt. Don't give me that look!"

"I'm sorry.Did you use the words 'I' and 'cry' in the same sentence with no sarcasm laced under it?Hey that rhymed!"

"Do you want me to punch you now?"

"I'm sorry. So tell me. That whole rom-com thing."

"Not everything is perfect. I'm not. You are so far from it that you can't even see it with a telescope!"

"That was super lame.What's wrong with you?I dint even touch you and you caught me!"

"Shut up!My point is not everything begins and ends with a kiss.And I hope you realize that soon."

"I wouldn't last with you if I weren't stronger.I'll wait for you to weaken."

"It won't happen."

"You said you couldn't make it today.But here you are."

"You love coming up here, don't you?"

"It is beautiful up here."

"Yeah true.I can almost understand why people love watching stars."

"They always make interesting company."

"I know.Want to get some beer?"

"Sure."

P.S- I know it's a little meandering and pointless but I feel really cynical these days and just wanted to express that somehow.By the way, the title is a line from a U2 song 'Stuck in a moment'.If you haven't listened to it yet, what the hell are you doing still reading this?

Monday, November 30, 2009

My personal sun.


Heaven is a New Moon promotional poster and a pool of drool.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Another year, another day...

Your smile.The same wicked upturn of the pink, thin lips, the same knowing glare in your eyes like you caught me thinking, thinking all night about the prospect of seeing you again after all these years.You give me the same little restless flutters I felt, even as you stand across the room, a few hundred feet away, leaning against the table with a casual elegance, a phrase I'll always associate with you.Your scotch touches your lips with a careless precision as you keep looking at me walk towards you slowly.I spot several familiar faces, faces I dint care about then, faces I'll never care about again.It's only you that draws me here, that drew me here in the first place.Every step I take towards you brings me physically closer to you but my mind is farther away.Somehow I think of winter when I think of you and seeing you now makes me feel the chill air of October mornings, the smell of freshly burnt firecrackers, the feel of those days.I have no idea what I'll say to you, I wish I could stop walking towards you and just stare at you smiling and let my bittersweet nostalgia erode a little more.But I'm scared that you'll get tired of waiting and turn away.I walk a tad bit faster, caring not about offending the people who have been greeting me and expecting me to do the same. You are still there, like a half opened window, I go towards it planning to shut it for good but I hold myself back every time.I've seen what's on the other side, I don't intend to again. It is just there, attracting my attention only when the breeze is strong.I smile, anticipating your musical voice as I reach you.You smile back.I wait.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The fall

Why can't every heartbreak in our lives be like an unexpected fall off a chair? You lose gravity, time stands still, your body is momentarily suspended, hanging in the air, holding on to the ghosts of the threads that broke away seconds earlier. You know how you were, with exact precision, before the fall. You know what went wrong, what led to the fall. You can't anticipate how much the fall will hurt. You just have to wait, till you hit the ground and estimate the cause and effect. And all along, you think to yourself, how could you have been so stupid? How could you not have seen this before? Then you get up, brush the dirt off, probably brush off the tears if the fall was pretty bad, embarrassed at first that it happened to you of all people, you, who is so self assured and cautious and never slips up. And then several tense moments later, you laugh it off. It all seems so silly in retrospect. You reflect on it, think to yourself, what went wrong, how it happened and how can it be avoided on the next occasion. And in the following few days, you forget about it. Except for the little bruise on your palm when you supported your fall. A little conspicuous reminder of what happened. Just like the little dent in your ego after a heartbreak, a little splinter of grief you carry forward after you are left behind, the little precautionary note when something like this is bound to happen again, the generous pang when faced by the past. Yes, I wish heartbreaks were this easy.
P.S- I am updating my blog on my college computer. This is bad!
P.P.S- This post inspired by Poonam when she fell off her chair accidentally. She's all fine.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Boo

What are we scared of?
-The dark.
-The unknown.
-The heard.
The unheard of.
-The unsaid.
-The misunderstood.
-What we have become.
-What we could have become.
-What we might become.
-Means.
-Ends.
-Maybes and in betweens
-What you might discover in some one's mailbox.
-What you might find in the closet on a lonely afternoon.
-The fluttering curtains.
-The half opened door.
-Looking back to find no one.
-Looking back.
-The discovery.
-The discoverer.
-Scared, perennially, of looking at a black screen with grey lettering being the only witness to your life.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

ACK

In 4th semester, between yawns and sighs for a better career option, I managed to learn ARQs in Data communications. For those lucky people who don't know(and probably won't care) what an ARQ is, it stands for Automatic Repeat Request/Query.It is an error-control method for data transmission which uses acknowledgements and timeouts to achieve reliable data transmission over an unreliable link. The basics are pretty simple. You send a frame of data to the receiver, set a timer, wait for an acknowledgement from the receiver. If you receive the acknowledgement from the receiver before time out, it means that your frame has been delivered and the receiver is expecting the next frame. If the acknowledgement is not received, then the sender re sends the frame. There are several things that can go wrong(and will go wrong in all probability) and these exceptions are handled accordingly. There are several types of ARQs but let us not get into specifics. My focus here is on the acknowledgement.
What is a person's first instinct when he/she receives genuine appreciation? Is it surprise? Is it gratitude? I feel both of these. Somehow, I'm very vocal in appreciating someone and also acknowledging the fact that someone appreciates me. There are times when I genuinely mean something and wish good for another being and express it in all earnest, yet it goes unacknowledged. It just makes me wonder, are people that self assured that they can't even be thankful for the fact that someone recognises their worth? I am always surprised when people pay me a compliment or tell me how much I mean to them. I'm not such a great person in real life and listening to phrases pertaining to appreciation with respect to yours truly always makes me think about how phony people are. But then I feel guilty for being sceptical and petty and I respond with genuine thanks for realising that I aren't all that bad sometimes. Maybe I suffer from low self esteem(which many people have pointed out) or I am too dependent on others' approval and any that comes my way seems like a cascade of affection. But yet, even if a person is self assured and confident of his/her own worth, it's nice to acknowledge. Just a simple 'Thank you' will suffice most times.
P.S- I never thought I'd come to a stage where I'd start comparing information science and engineering to ANY thing related to my life. I have come to a stage where I use programming terms in day to day life and care about things like ready queues and scheduling algorithms. God help me!
P.P.S- If anyone ever pays a compliment regarding my hair, it is promptly followed by 'I know!'. So much for genuine acknowledgement.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The comma between maybe and maybe not

Yours truly has sore eyes(not conjunctivitis; just red, puffy eyes that hurt and urge me to blink too many times) and no patience for formalities.
1) There should be licences issued for being a pedestrian. People should take a hearing test and an IQ test to be allowed to walk on the road.
2) When you're undergoing a certain emotional turmoil and discover a new song, more often than not, the song somehow summarises your situation and seems apt for the time being. Has it happened only to me or is Scott Adams really a genius? (The song in question is 'Careful' by Michelle Featherstone. Discovered it on season 4, episode 23, 'How I met your mother'. Don't even begin to ask me about the situation. Trust me, you are better off. And reference to Scott Adams, please read 'God's debris'. A must, must read.)
3) How good a movie can be if it moves you to tears and sends a chill down your spine simultaneously? The movie in question is 'The Lives of Others'. One of the most endearing lines accompanied with brilliant acting was: “Can anyone who has heard this music, I mean truly heard it, really be a bad person?” Watch it sometime.
4) A good hug by a great friend is the best cure for any apparent status quo disturbance. Thanks vanilla bear. :)
5) Chocolate is god.
6) It has to be said twice. Chocolate is god. Not even god-like. Just god. The God.
7) People should not be allowed to use the words 'falling', 'in' and 'love' in the same sentence in the said order if they don't mean it.
8) Contradiction bites you in the ass sometimes.
9) I have forgotten how much I appreciate Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Time is moving in a circle again.
10) I thought I couldn't hide my emotions well. After today, I realised I'm probably getting better at it.
11) A good cry and a good nap can solve the trickiest problems.
12) How can I forget to mention a good piece of chocolate in the last statement?
13) Didn't anyone realise I crossed ten points for the first time with almost nothing substantial to write about?
14) Pity is the last thing a friend needs. Save it for your enemies.
15) I'm OK.
P.S- What's with so many links if you wonder, I'm pretty jobless.
P.P.S- I wanted to include a point about how awesome my hair is but why state the obvious eh?

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Unaddressed

I'm writing, yet again, to a person who won't care. And never for once did I think it would be you. Don't you remember those breathless days when we spoke so much we had no memory of doing anything else that day? Those moments of hushed whispers and 'OK, 5 more minutes and then I've gotta hang up!' extending to another half hour of smiles and memories, did they mean nothing? I remember your childhood, as I saw it through your voice, you as a scrawny little kid jumping from roof to roof. I remember your schoolboy eyes, scared of being bitten by a dog. I remember your moist eyes as you looked out your bedroom window and were in the moment, attuned to the happiness and stability around you. Your secrets, your hopes, your dreams...did you even realise how I never tried to make it about me?For all my talk about being selfish, for my clandestine need for attention, I hid myself. I closed up and gave you a chance to pry me open. You never tried, you never gave me a chance...I guess I am meant to go down that road again. Nights of longing and loneliness, a punishment for a little craving of a thing I liked to call 'intimacy'. You said you were lost. Now you've left me more misguided than I ever could be. I hoped this would be it, this would be the one I'd been waiting for,' impatiently' the way you'd put it I guess, and now it seems to lack the soul I fell for in the first place. It's better to be grounded than be taken up for a ride to the roof and then pushed away. You were real, as real as one could get and yet my dreams turning into nightmares seem better now. Your comforting voice soothed me, true, but you said a lot of things without meaning to hurt me. You never knew that words were the only thing that mattered. And words are probably, as the cliche goes, all I have left now to sort out another jigsaw puzzle where the centre was in the right place but somehow the edges got bungled up. And I loved the edges better...

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The longest day of my life.

College reopened today and I can't begin to describe how much that sucks. You know when 4th semester started, I confess, I wasn't very majorly excited but I was at the very least willing to look at the subjects. Today, I wanted to jump off the window(which is easy because my new classroom has windows without bars). I'm shockingly indifferent.I have no idea how I'm going to drag through with this apathy on my back for the rest of the semester. I am terrified now at the prospect of giving a shit about it later when my internals come up.Oh man, I hate engineering. Seriously!
Well, three classes of pure, mind fucking boredom wasn't the only reason it was the longest day of my life.I spent three hours on the phone, wondering where this one's heading, a little happy, a little hopeful but a lot more worried and thinking and all.You know when I was in high school, I had a new crush every two weeks and I was happy!I dint have to think 'Where is it heading?' or 'Can I see a future with him?'. And now every single guy makes me think of what impression he'd make on my parents!Is this what growing up is supposed to feel like?I want to go back to high school again! OK, I probably think too much about silly things and make a big deal out of nothing but let us face the facts. I'm not getting any younger. Every time I 'make a connection' with a guy, I begin thinking about the future.I need to know the guy at least for two or three years to say that I know a lot about him.And I need some more time to be sure 'He's the one!'.And then think about the future, or rather live the future.And if I waste my time now 'making a connection' and find out that the line is busy and then later spend God knows how many awful days trying to move on, I'm just getting closer to being 26(the age at which I plan to tie the knot) and face the prospect of my parents finding someone for me.Ugh! Or maybe, I'm just proving to everyone around me that I'm more than just 'slightly neurotic'. Hm.

I had major issues with my friend and as I spoke about them to her and cleared the nauseatingly, awkward air, I realised how much she'd meant to me in the past and how much I don't need her now.Not that I don't like her anymore.I always will. But she used to be my safety net to bounce back on and now I've willingly cut the cord.It feels nice to place every single person involved in your life on an equal standing.It lowers your expectations from others, makes you stronger in facing your troubles(I feel so pretentious when I say 'troubles') and makes you more emotionally independent. It has made me so.And I love it.This is my 'happy place'. Finally!

I am a little sad that I might have come to a point where I don't care too much about what is happening to the people around me but I guess I'm happier and since everyone knows I'm quite selfish, I'll stick to this. Too many realisations in one day, no? That's why the title!

So back to today, I'm all fine now.No more mopey and depressed.Although I do miss being depressed.I think I wrote better when I was.
P.S- I might have gone a little crazy due to too much going on in 24 hours. Exhibit 1.

My feet, Devika's hand on the left and Kannika's on the right. I know my feet are horrendous. More about that some day.






Thursday, August 27, 2009

Dus ka dum!

Yeah, it's been so long. I haven't been very busy. The usual. I'll make ten points. My brain is too lazy for precise writing.
1) I went to this naturopathy centre called Shantivana in Ujire. It's a frigging fat camp. Helped me lose 3 kgs, my preconceived notions about exclusivity, my prudishness about being topless and yes, I lost my happy place there! But a good trip, you must try it sometime.
2) There is no game greater than ConFusebox. It's just too brilliant to be written about. You must play it sometime.
3) I keep wondering, can Gabriel Garcia Marquez top himself? Why wonder? He definitely can. There's no one else, not even someone like Tom Hanks' character in Cast Away who can write better about loneliness and solitude. His characters always think of someone, are with someone, yet they are inherently lonely. Be it Col.Aureliano, Florentino, the old man in Memories of my melancholy whores, everyone is alone. And I understand them. You must read Marquez's books sometime.
4) I don't think I've ever fully appreciated how sexy Shahid Kapoor is. With his shirt on of course. And how, despite some sub conscious Sharukh Khan imitation, he is quite a decent actor. You must watch Kaminey sometime.
5) I don't know why Ian McEwan was awarded the Booker for 'Amsterdam'. I mean, it's a nice book and all but it takes itself too seriously I think.It brings out people's psyche really well but yet nothing like the guilt that seeps through in 'Atonement'. You must read it sometime. 'Atonement' that is.Even 'Amsterdam' is a good read though.
6)I can't remember the last time I've listened to the same song for more than three weeks. That song is 'Pehli Baar Mohabbat' from Kaminey. It isn't such a great song. The vocals are good, the lyrics make you smile every time, as though it is the first time you're listening to that song.There's something about it that draws me to play it, even today.You must listen to it sometime.
7)I have been watching 'How I met your mother'.I love Ted Moseby.He reinstates my faith in men.It is good to know that there are men who fall in love on their first dates, are hopelessly romantic and who think that their ideal women must read Pablo Neruda.Why can't I find such men?!I freaking love Pablo Neruda.My favourite book is 'Love in the time of cholera'.If I knew bass guitar, I'd be Ted's ideal girl.And he's so cute.And I love him being pretentious!You must love Ted.Seriously.
8)My vocabulary has taken a serious dip.I've been talking in cheerleader English a lot lately.And I use 'seriously' way too much.Something is so wrong.I'm like totally off.See!I must improve. Seriously.Dammit!
9)I can be a good drinking buddy.I think I can fit in well in a gang of guys and check out girls with them.And probably beat up someone who doesn't follow traffic rules.Yeah baby!That's the dream.I must do that sometime.
10)I don't think I've felt truly connected to any person in a long time.I feel detached and drained out of expectations and hopes.I used to think this is happiness, a straight line, no highs and no lows, everything constant and unchanging, for the better.But I think it's boredom.I'm tired of taking chances, jumping off the roof, realising mid way that I'm not going to make it to the next solid ground.I'm tired of being 'off', of being an accessory in some one's life, of being dispensable, of knowing that somebody's life won't change a lot if I'm not in it.I'm just tired.I'm living for myself now and I'll drown myself in all the books about people who want an audience in their lives.If I can't be a showman, I'd rather be a good, attentive audience.I think I've lost touch with writing.Please forgive this pathetic excuse for a post on my depressing blog.

P.S-You're allowed to kill me in the vilest way possible for that title.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Operator

She wipes the receiver everyday with a motherly affection. She watches college kids proclaim undying love to teenage drama queens; mothers desperately feeding on the intonation of their sons' bored voices; exam results; bad news. Everyday witness to a thousand conversations. Clandestine whispers, unaware of her presence; as if their importance was in no way undermined or enhanced in her presence. A listener. Always.

And in the afternoons, when people are too sleepy to talk, she looks at the phone longingly. The phone never stops ringing in her booth. But it's always ringing for someone else...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

You know you are PMSing when...

1) You cry watching 'His story III' , Scrubs season 5, episode 19 and want to give Janitor a hug.
2) You cry when your cat isn't responding to your affection because he's jealous of the attention you've been giving the new kittens.
3) You cry when you're talking to your friend about the last time you cried.
4) You cry because your feet hurt.
5) And you cry because when you started writing this, you thought you had more things to cry about and you got a lousy 5!
Oh yes, BAWL!
P.S- I want someone to sing this for/about me and mean it!


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

And then I knew...

I did not feel right,
The first time I heard your voice.
Nor did it fit perfectly,
When your hand held mine.
Even as we sang
Our favourite songs off key,
Some note always felt missing...

We cried at the same movies
And read our poems to each other
Between the lazy siestas
Breathing life into one another...

And then,
On that eventful night
When I happened to wake up
At 2am
I saw a smile on your face
As you slept
And travelled back to your childhood
Your innocence
Shone through
My mask of uncertainty
And I knew,
I knew that hugs and kisses
Riffs and verses
Would probably never matter to me
As much as your dreamy smile
Your indifferent dedication
To all the endless nights
I cried myself to sleep
Before I met you...

Then I knew...

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Huh?!

I went to a pest control store today. Saw a dead rat in the corner.

Lower than rock bottom

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy?!"

- Kate Winslet in 'The Holiday'.
I could not agree more.

Closure

A parting wave. A goodbye kiss. A quick hug. A ruffle of her hair. A look at a person fast asleep. A door slammed shut. Period. A forgotten song. A re-read verse. A different version of a memory. A torn page. A deleted text message. An open window, soft rain. A moonlit room, neglected shadows. The last page of a great book...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Dark chocolate skies...

I think she's the saddest girl ever to hold a martini...


I'm just the saddest girl.Ever.Period.

Monday, May 18, 2009

The temptation...

You're sitting across her, your eyes fixed on the story she has been telling.And you run your finger on her face, apparently pointing out a flaw in it but you still can't hide the tremor that runs through your hand as you reach the familiar curve near her chin.You know it's wrong.You know you'll have to withdraw your hand soon before it gets awkward.But maybe, the blush on her face meant something.Maybe, just maybe, she could feel the heat on your skin from across the table.And maybe, she wanted to feel it better.Whimsy.You thought she lived in a fantasy world.When every cell in your body falls right into place, synchronised by a rhythm quite implicit, nothing feels wrong anymore.And past mistake doesn't serve as a mistake to be remembered and not committed again.It just becomes a very ephemeral prologue, begging to be completed to that explosive climax it deserves.And maybe, as she locks the door and turns off the light, you'll be ready.She sure is...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Cheerio?

Well, today, the talented(not Mr.Ripley.My humour will remain lame.You better start accepting the fact!) Samina pointed out that my blog is very depressing and I need to write about more cheerful things.With respect to that very obvious fact, here's what I want to introduce you to.My fantasy land with my latest fantasy man :)



He has these big, blue, innocent eyes which beckon you to look at the world the way he does, as though it's the first time he's seen a tree or a bird or a field of sun kissed corn stalks.A water bubble is like a planet to him and a woman like the sea.You wish you could see around with his eyes, you wish you could see yourself with his eyes...




His voice, with all of its Scottish charm refuses to leave your head as every single second your dreamy mind wonders if he can get dreamier.The answer is so obvious...





And then, just as you think he cannot get any better, he does something so unlike him that you fall, if possible, in love with him all over again.Yes, you mind reader, you're right.He takes his shirt off.



A...mmm...en!





Probably

I'm wondering how it'd feel like to be the third wheel for the rest of my life.It will probably be okay, you know.Probably, I'll just ruin a few 'couple' moments.Or probably make them think 'Why couldn't she bring someone along?' Or probably a sympathetic sigh towards me, and then feeling incredibly lucky the next instant to have someone alongside, making a mental note to themselves to tell the significant other how much they love them each day.Or probably be happy that there's someone else around to break that awkward tension between you and your spouse, relieved that the weight of the silence seems lighter when there are more than two pairs of shoulders to bear it...

And all along, me, the whimsical, proverbial third wheel will keep wondering away if I could get married to a book.If yes, what book would it be?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Diamonds and rust

I think I understand now more than ever when Joan Baez sang "I need some of that vagueness now, it's all come back too clearly..." I really do.

Lick your thumb,

And smudge me off,

The edges first probably,

You were always quite conventional

In most ways,

Even as you claimed otherwise.

Then dive right in

The center,

Create a void,

That comes close,

To match my heart,

And my emptiness

That you held on to,

When I left you...
No, I never loved you,

No, I don't remember you from time to time,

I know you do still

Every single time, I can almost feel it.

Ties were supposed to be severed clean

Yet a few strings,

Stubborn as you

Refuse to give away...

I was too real for you,

But you, doll,

Were positively a nightmare...

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Unanswered

Why did you have to come in my life?Why couldn't I have just admired you silently for a few days and forgotten about you the next week?Why did you have to intrigue me, draw me in your indifferent mess of a life, deeper and deeper?Why did I have to lose something I could never call my own?Why did you have to run away, leave me behind?
Why wasn't it your mistake? Why didn't you hurt me?It would be so much easier if you had...

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Three's crowd...

The shadows on the half dark walls seem to want to tell me something... Is it panic?Get in before it's too late, start swimming before you're left alone on this island, change yourself before history repeats...
When the obvious starts murdering your hopes and life gets too real, the blood in your body, draining towards your feet doesn't seem like a symptom of a crush.
It is the unmistakable sign of despair, creeping in on a cool summer morning, the pain of sleepless nights, not in the throes of unrequited love but the sudden fear of being too late.
Or worse, not reaching there at all...

Saturday, April 18, 2009

How long?

How long does it take for laughter to die away?
How long does it take for a good day to end?
How long does it take for fear to creep in?
How long does it take to drop a tear?
How long does it take to feel the pain?
How long does it take for insecurity to show up?
How long does it take to feel undeserving?
How long does it take to feel ugly?
How long before that knowing smile comes up, that bittersweet smile of acceptance of the fact that some things never change?
I knew it all along... How long before it sinks in?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I quote...

"There's a moment in life where you can't recover anymore from another break up.And even if this person bugs you, 60% of the time, well you still can't live without him.And even if he wakes you up everyday by sneezing right in your face, well, you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses..."
-Julie Delpy in 'Two days in Paris'.
:)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Broken promises

Weather: Raining heavily after an extremely hot day. Preceded by a dust storm which left my already dusty room a little more dirty.
Beverage: Self made tea, a little on the sweet side.
Background music: 'Hazaaro Khwaishein Aisi' (Picked it randomly, mind you!)

Can I be more compelled to write?Unless I was in some really beautiful European city with a glass of red wine and violins playing in the background, I don't think so.

I realised
A few seconds late
That the part of the song I had been waiting for
Was already played.
The part of the song
Reminding me of you,
Reminding me of our initial conversations
Over missed out lectures
And a can of Mountain Dew
Passed by,
In moments
When I was far too busy,
Thinking about us...
Life got a little ahead of my memory
The part I waited for
Slipped by
In seconds of unintended reverie...
You see, love
The part I waited for
Has already been played...

P.S- It is so bad, I might kill myself.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

The crushing realisation of being wrong is somehow worse than the indignation of being wronged...

Monday, March 16, 2009

My last word

I had promised myself I wouldn't be the one to get hurt at the end of all this.But promises are meant to be broken, even if they are made to oneself.I think I've reached a point in my life where I just let things happen to me and I feel control-less, even of the trivial details.Hangover?Still trying to hold on to him?In love with his 'idea'?Too disappointed that he dint turn out the way I expected?Yes, to all the questions.I can't believe I was trying so hard to make him a part of my life somehow.Just the thought that he'd be there in my life; as a tour guide when I visit his hometown, the most drunk guest at my wedding, the brother you could borrow money from and not feel guilty, the sympathetic ear you could call up in the middle of the night and talk about your latest failed relationship, the hard hitting practical advisor telling me to get real, just being there in the background of my monochromatic life, waving with a satisfaction that it's all good.Was I expecting too much?Maybe, I've been guilty of that several times.But why does life always want to remind me that I need to be real?Can I not dream and hope and live in my world of romance?Do I have to wake up to face the facts?Fact is that, right now even though I seem indifferent and angry, I'm deeply hurt and sad.I've been unable to move on with my life.To face the prospect of my life without him in it is crushing me with each sunrise.The fact that every stupid thing that I see or hear leads me to a memory of a conversation I had with him.The fact that those inane conversations meant so much to me and nothing to him.The fact that there aren't going to be any more conversations.The fact that I feel so pathetically vulnerable and seeing him smile, so unbothered, kills me with a slow patient pace. Facts?Oh yes, they're right on the table.But am I fool if I choose not to hurt my sensitive palate and opt for fantasy instead?A fantasy where he comes up to me to surprise me with a sweet gesture or says with a straight, honest face that he'll make it up to me somehow; a fantasy where he'll smile his wicked smile and I start singing 'I'll be alright' in my head.It seems so silly, innit?But then again, he liked silly...
P.S-1)I'll always remember his voice.
2)I think I'm much better now.
3)No, it wasn't love.
4)Ten posts on him and I'm finally calling it quits.My new muse, where art thou?

Friday, March 13, 2009

A bus, a train...
Things used for transport?
Exam results...
Things that always go bad?
Approval, acceptance...
Things you complain your mother never gave enough of?
The rain on a hot, summer day...
Things that never happen when you really want it?
A phone call, a text message...
Things that I don't get very often?
The day he's going to come and talk to you again...
Things that I wait for!


Touche, you dumbass.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Do I know you?

I know which word you're going to use as a response to a question you've been expecting.I know what kind of a smile it's going to be.I know you'll grab a book and fan yourself.I know that your touch will always give me goosebumps.I know I'll always have a special emotion for you which I've never quite labelled...

Do I seek randomness in life?Nothing planned out, taking it all in as it comes to me, exciting, mysterious?Hasn't everyone at some point wished for these adjectives to describe their present?

But then you come along to tap on long forgotten memories, expressions I've quite grown out of.You tell me my cliches have always intrigued you...

Now I know what emotion I've felt for the past few days.It's called 'familiarity'.And the fact that the same person, the same words, the same expressions, the same smiles still interest me is surprising.Or should I say, an unfamiliar feeling...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Five

Five things I can live without:
1)Being called 'fat' and 'lazy'
2)(Melo)Drama in my life
3)Lavish weddings
4)Moisturisers
5)Routine

Five movies I don't mind watching again:
1)Before Sunrise
2)Requiem for a dream
3)The Dark Knight
4)Forrest Gump
5)The Departed

Five tunes I'll always hum:
1)All by myself
2)Comfortably numb
3)Don't panic
4)My funny valentine
5)Blowin' in the wind

Five people I'll always love:
1)Kannika
2)Kriti
3)Swapnil
4)Kurt Cobain
5)Anna

Five things I'll always be:
1)Romantic
2)Pseudo-cynic
3)Condescending
4)Bad at lying
5)Intrigued

P.S-1)I know no one cares.
2)They aren't necessarily in order.
3)Share your 'fives'!

Monday, March 9, 2009

How could I have missed this?





A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go.

So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...


I really do...

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Wishful thinking...

Don't you sometimes wish you had a horrible memory?And awful pattern matching skills?That one thing dint lead to another?That you could never trace back your thoughts to something you'd rather not think about?And less number of deja vus?

P.S-Last statement in connection to shortage of attendance.Again!It doesn't even seem like a deja vu anymore, it's happened way too many times.Now I know what Ursula meant in 'One hundred years of solitude'.Time is going in a circle.Sigh.

Come to me...

Come to me,
Tonight,
I know you've got friends,
I know you don't need me,
But I need to hear your voice tonight,
I'm scared baby,
I'm scared of letting you go
Completely,
Scared of the idea,
That we were never meant to be,
I'm scared,
That you won't be around anymore,
That you'd rather be someplace else...

I have been too restless, too long,
I've been too passionate, too long,
Come to me love,
Drain my hopes,
Erase my memories,
Of you,
Of listening to your voice at 3am,
Kill those little moments,
Of laughter and dreams,
I can't think of them anymore,
I can't need them anymore...

I wish I could be happy for you,
I want to be baby,
Come to me,
Hush me,
Whisper softly in my ear that it will be fine,
Pretend like you mean it,
And I'll nod along beneath my tears,
Tears that have refused to flow,
Since you been gone,
I need you tonight baby,
I need you to hush me quiet...

Hold me, till it all fades away,
Till I can finally say,
"It was nice knowing you..."

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Obligations and pragmatism...

"Hey."

"Hello.How have you been?"

"I'm quite ok.How about you?"

"I'm good too.Same old life."

"Same old, boring life*his annoying laugh*, I presume."

"Yeah...You told me once not to mention everytime that my life doesn't change much because you already know it.I remember things, unlike some people."

"Don't worry doll.I remember quite a lot of things myself."

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm...So what else?"

"I thought we'd agreed uopn using the phrase 'Then what?' instead of 'What else'?"

"Do I look like I care?"

"I was just making small talk."

"I thought that was my job."

"Not exactly.You just do it better than I do.You could keep up small talk spanning three hours of conversation."

"I thought you liked talking to me."

"I thought so too."

"You know babe, it's ironic that you always hated formalities and now all we have left is formalities."

"I know.I don't think it's possible for me to ever loosen up in your presence again."

"That's quite comforting. I'm just waiting for the day when I can relax in your presence again."

"You do know that I'm never going to be the same again right?"

"Yeah I do.The relaxing is for my benefit.That'll mean that I wouldn't care if you were around me anymore."

"I'll look forward to that day.Goodbye."

"My lover?"

"What?"

"*smiles* Nothing babe."

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

To whomsoever it may concern...

I think of you,
When I smell a whiff of cigarette smoke...
I think of you,
When I hear the word 'pugnacious'...
I think of you,
When I read something new...
I think of you,
When I listen to 'Goodbye my lover'...
I think of you,
When I use the word 'fair'...
I think of you,
When I see someone being mean...
I think of you,
Even when there are others to think about...
I mostly think of you,
When I see someone smile, for old times' sake
Or just for courtesy...

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Great Depression...

1)To stumble twice against the same stone is a proverbial disgrace.
2)Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
3)A stitch in time saves nine.
4)Once bitten, twice shy.
5)Failure is a stepping stone for success.

I took all these proverbs and flushed them down the crapper.

Yes, if you haven't guessed that my mood is not so fine by the title, well, you're a fool.I'm fucking pissed off, angry, raging mad, depressed, sad, needy, can I get anymore negative terms around here?I might just invent new ones now.The worst part of this godforsaken mess is: I don't know why I am in this s***.I have no reason, no rhyme(not even in the poems I have been writing.My humour has, mercilessly, remained lame.) I just proved to myself that I have no idea what will power is, 'motivation' is a word I wave at from my bedroom window and goal is something in a football field.Ambition, success, competition, talent?Do these words register in my dull brain?No siree.They have been befuddled in the haze of my extended nap time and in the rush of high cholestrol I consume, day after frigging day.I have written 3 poems recently, one draft almost done and I have no interest or intention of posting them here.Do not ask me why.

I went to the temple today.Willingly.I am still shocked by my behaviour.I felt at peace, lighter(only figuratively of course, my current carbohydrate consumption can add 15 extra pounds on all Haitians, individually.) It felt strange and inspiring.But of course, as it goes without saying, I forgot all about the 'inspiration' in a few nanoseconds.

I want to be alone for sometime and think about where I'm heading.I have learnt from my mistakes and will try not to repeat them.I have realised that I expect too much, I'm overconfident and I let people take me for granted.I wish to rectify these shortcomings.I will, hopefully.After all, tomorrow is another day.Sorry Margaret.Until later.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Do you really need a title?

Munh ki baat sune har koi
Dil ke dard ko jaane kaun...
Aawazon ke baazaaron mein
Khamoshi pehchaane kaun...

Amen.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Babe,
I do not know where to begin.Or rather how.I have never been a person of smooth beginnings and sound endings.It was always the middle ground I liked.But when I see you, in all your glory, I fall short of words; short of phrases to describe you, short of sentences to please you.I remember the way your shirt was crumpled the day before, it looked like you just got out of bed.Your greasy, messy hair, begging to be touched atleast once, if not ruffled.You incite so many feelings in me in a single instant, I'm scared of what I might do if I stay closer to you any longer.You lean in towards me, to catch a sentence I've been saying.And my voice quivers with intensity as I try hard not to bite your ear.My legs feel weak, my breathing faster.I know, love, that you feel nothing this intense, not for me, not for anyone you've known.You are cold, indifferent and, in your own words, too laidback.

Make all excuses you want, you will know one day, some day, the heat in my skin when I look at you.You don't know what passion is?Let my tongue outline it for you, on the pink borders of your nicotine lips.Let my hair leave little trails of goosebumps on the delectable muscle of your chest.Let my hands do the talking for the intentions I have for you in my mind.Your voice rings musically in my ears, your surprisingly soft touch makes me anticipate, more and more.Keep telling yourself you won't fall into this, darling.Surrender your body to me, just for a day.It doesn't take too long to feel alive.

My obsession for you borders on unhealthy, I know.Is it scary?I know your answer already.But know this too, you're marked.You can run away but you can't hide too long.My muse, don't you know it yet?

P.S-Tell me it din't turn you on.

-Crazed.