Wednesday, September 30, 2009


I'm writing, yet again, to a person who won't care. And never for once did I think it would be you. Don't you remember those breathless days when we spoke so much we had no memory of doing anything else that day? Those moments of hushed whispers and 'OK, 5 more minutes and then I've gotta hang up!' extending to another half hour of smiles and memories, did they mean nothing? I remember your childhood, as I saw it through your voice, you as a scrawny little kid jumping from roof to roof. I remember your schoolboy eyes, scared of being bitten by a dog. I remember your moist eyes as you looked out your bedroom window and were in the moment, attuned to the happiness and stability around you. Your secrets, your hopes, your dreams...did you even realise how I never tried to make it about me?For all my talk about being selfish, for my clandestine need for attention, I hid myself. I closed up and gave you a chance to pry me open. You never tried, you never gave me a chance...I guess I am meant to go down that road again. Nights of longing and loneliness, a punishment for a little craving of a thing I liked to call 'intimacy'. You said you were lost. Now you've left me more misguided than I ever could be. I hoped this would be it, this would be the one I'd been waiting for,' impatiently' the way you'd put it I guess, and now it seems to lack the soul I fell for in the first place. It's better to be grounded than be taken up for a ride to the roof and then pushed away. You were real, as real as one could get and yet my dreams turning into nightmares seem better now. Your comforting voice soothed me, true, but you said a lot of things without meaning to hurt me. You never knew that words were the only thing that mattered. And words are probably, as the cliche goes, all I have left now to sort out another jigsaw puzzle where the centre was in the right place but somehow the edges got bungled up. And I loved the edges better...

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The longest day of my life.

College reopened today and I can't begin to describe how much that sucks. You know when 4th semester started, I confess, I wasn't very majorly excited but I was at the very least willing to look at the subjects. Today, I wanted to jump off the window(which is easy because my new classroom has windows without bars). I'm shockingly indifferent.I have no idea how I'm going to drag through with this apathy on my back for the rest of the semester. I am terrified now at the prospect of giving a shit about it later when my internals come up.Oh man, I hate engineering. Seriously!
Well, three classes of pure, mind fucking boredom wasn't the only reason it was the longest day of my life.I spent three hours on the phone, wondering where this one's heading, a little happy, a little hopeful but a lot more worried and thinking and all.You know when I was in high school, I had a new crush every two weeks and I was happy!I dint have to think 'Where is it heading?' or 'Can I see a future with him?'. And now every single guy makes me think of what impression he'd make on my parents!Is this what growing up is supposed to feel like?I want to go back to high school again! OK, I probably think too much about silly things and make a big deal out of nothing but let us face the facts. I'm not getting any younger. Every time I 'make a connection' with a guy, I begin thinking about the future.I need to know the guy at least for two or three years to say that I know a lot about him.And I need some more time to be sure 'He's the one!'.And then think about the future, or rather live the future.And if I waste my time now 'making a connection' and find out that the line is busy and then later spend God knows how many awful days trying to move on, I'm just getting closer to being 26(the age at which I plan to tie the knot) and face the prospect of my parents finding someone for me.Ugh! Or maybe, I'm just proving to everyone around me that I'm more than just 'slightly neurotic'. Hm.

I had major issues with my friend and as I spoke about them to her and cleared the nauseatingly, awkward air, I realised how much she'd meant to me in the past and how much I don't need her now.Not that I don't like her anymore.I always will. But she used to be my safety net to bounce back on and now I've willingly cut the cord.It feels nice to place every single person involved in your life on an equal standing.It lowers your expectations from others, makes you stronger in facing your troubles(I feel so pretentious when I say 'troubles') and makes you more emotionally independent. It has made me so.And I love it.This is my 'happy place'. Finally!

I am a little sad that I might have come to a point where I don't care too much about what is happening to the people around me but I guess I'm happier and since everyone knows I'm quite selfish, I'll stick to this. Too many realisations in one day, no? That's why the title!

So back to today, I'm all fine now.No more mopey and depressed.Although I do miss being depressed.I think I wrote better when I was.
P.S- I might have gone a little crazy due to too much going on in 24 hours. Exhibit 1.

My feet, Devika's hand on the left and Kannika's on the right. I know my feet are horrendous. More about that some day.