Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The longest day of my life.

College reopened today and I can't begin to describe how much that sucks. You know when 4th semester started, I confess, I wasn't very majorly excited but I was at the very least willing to look at the subjects. Today, I wanted to jump off the window(which is easy because my new classroom has windows without bars). I'm shockingly indifferent.I have no idea how I'm going to drag through with this apathy on my back for the rest of the semester. I am terrified now at the prospect of giving a shit about it later when my internals come up.Oh man, I hate engineering. Seriously!
Well, three classes of pure, mind fucking boredom wasn't the only reason it was the longest day of my life.I spent three hours on the phone, wondering where this one's heading, a little happy, a little hopeful but a lot more worried and thinking and all.You know when I was in high school, I had a new crush every two weeks and I was happy!I dint have to think 'Where is it heading?' or 'Can I see a future with him?'. And now every single guy makes me think of what impression he'd make on my parents!Is this what growing up is supposed to feel like?I want to go back to high school again! OK, I probably think too much about silly things and make a big deal out of nothing but let us face the facts. I'm not getting any younger. Every time I 'make a connection' with a guy, I begin thinking about the future.I need to know the guy at least for two or three years to say that I know a lot about him.And I need some more time to be sure 'He's the one!'.And then think about the future, or rather live the future.And if I waste my time now 'making a connection' and find out that the line is busy and then later spend God knows how many awful days trying to move on, I'm just getting closer to being 26(the age at which I plan to tie the knot) and face the prospect of my parents finding someone for me.Ugh! Or maybe, I'm just proving to everyone around me that I'm more than just 'slightly neurotic'. Hm.

I had major issues with my friend and as I spoke about them to her and cleared the nauseatingly, awkward air, I realised how much she'd meant to me in the past and how much I don't need her now.Not that I don't like her anymore.I always will. But she used to be my safety net to bounce back on and now I've willingly cut the cord.It feels nice to place every single person involved in your life on an equal standing.It lowers your expectations from others, makes you stronger in facing your troubles(I feel so pretentious when I say 'troubles') and makes you more emotionally independent. It has made me so.And I love it.This is my 'happy place'. Finally!

I am a little sad that I might have come to a point where I don't care too much about what is happening to the people around me but I guess I'm happier and since everyone knows I'm quite selfish, I'll stick to this. Too many realisations in one day, no? That's why the title!

So back to today, I'm all fine now.No more mopey and depressed.Although I do miss being depressed.I think I wrote better when I was.
P.S- I might have gone a little crazy due to too much going on in 24 hours. Exhibit 1.

My feet, Devika's hand on the left and Kannika's on the right. I know my feet are horrendous. More about that some day.

1 comment:

Snob In Rotten Shoes said...

oh yay!!! the wild nail polish picture!!! nice way to work it into your post..and man, i luuuurv your style i told u right?