Saturday, November 8, 2008


One single line has been repeating in my mind over and over again, like a record stuck on a gramophone.What kind of a sick, sadistic bastard is God?I know, I'm not supposed to swear or whatever shit people expect, but I don't think anyone could have escaped this thought if they went through the situation that I did today.I was feeling low the entire morning actually, I don't know the reason(as always!) and I was mentally very exhausted.But then, this happened, which had the potential to move me to tears scarily soon and to push me into extreme rage against this blaring injustice.My cousin, Disha, is ill.As I have mentioned in an earlier post, she has a neurological disorder which allows her no form of normal expression.The details are too harsh to be written about again.She is admitted right now with something undiagnosed, yet.She has a temperature of 103F and has been shivering, chills running through her now skin-and-bones body with a drip attached to her which looks painful.And she can't even tell what she feels.I stood there as my aunt(Disha's mother) had dozed off even as she held Disha's hand to comfort her convulsions.No amount of words can explain the pain as you watch a 13 year old child screaming in agony.And all you can do is just avert your gaze or hold her hand.I was totally choked with emotions as my mind went numb.I hid my face and cried silently.My aunt just held Disha's hand with indifference.Yes, that's indifference for you.When sorrow's boundaries have been transcended and philosophy can go to the crapper for all I care, when a mother holds her child's hand with no feeling expressed on her prematurely old face, believe me, nothing is sadder, nothing puts perspective more into place.People talk about how we have to accept the 'will of God', how religion will redeem us and how we must be thankful for whatever we have.Yes, I have read about it and that was my belief too.But now, as I watched this emotionally indescribable scene enacted by the people dear to me, supposedly scripted and directed by the 'puppet master', all that changed.What fault is so grave that a child this beautiful deserves to be punished for?What is my aunt's fault that she has to witness this mutely?Who decides what?I couldn't bear to stand in the room.The smell of the hospital disinfectant made me nauseous and as angry thoughts swirled in my numb head, I stood outside in the corridor.I watched this couple walking out of another ward.Soundlessly, their hands found each others' and they held them tenderly.It made me smile.The hope and romance that died in me a few minutes ago awakened a tad bit again as I watched them walk towards a God's idol and join their hands in prayer.It made me realise that maybe, maybe we are all moving towards nothingness.The big zero.Mahashunya.Maybe the shit God gives people, the agonies we face is cancelled out with the hope and love around and we come to nought, every single day.I guess it's a Buddhist concept, I've heard of it before.And today's incident made me want to believe in that.
I know that me writing about this in no way relieves Disha's pain or bring back the life in my aunt's empty eyes.But I observe, and write yet again.Pray for Disha's speedy recovery.

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