Wednesday, October 8, 2008

And the hardest part...

Is letting go, I know, I know.I think I've officially entered my brand new phase of being low.Yes, it's new and guess what, it hurts too.I read about people who feel lonely in a crowd and that loneliness is a state of mind rather than a physical state of being.Now I know how it feels, the crushing extent of it.I sit here among my friends and try to laugh at their jokes and join in their conversations even as my mind tells me it's not working.Sooner or later, people will look through your facade, they'll know you are trying hard to feel accepted, to accept.Someday, someone will look past my big talk, look through my indifference and discover my innate feeling of being unbelonged.Someone will probably know why I hum 'All by myself' everytime I'm in a group.It is so automatic, it surprises me.
It's really hard to socialise, not quite as easy I imagined it to be.I always thought to myself I can make the transition anytime I want, I can smoothly slide over to the 'I'm friendly' state.But I find it harder, as I try hard to look into someone's eyes and keep a smile for a decent moment, I find it much harder each passing day, each passing minute.
I look through my contacts and think who'd understand me if I were to express what I feel right now.I find people who may listen, who may advise but I don't feel like sharing.I know that talking about it will probably lighten the apparent burden of it but it's hard to explain.I don't want to explain.And yet again, I'm here, writing about this mess in my mind because it's too frustrating to be the only one to talk to.It's liberating, it's my anti-depressant.
I probably make too much of a big deal about what goes on in my mediocre life.But it helps to think you're problems are important even if you aren't quite so...

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