The longest day of my life.

College reopened today and I can't begin to describe how much that sucks. You know when 4th semester started, I confess, I wasn't very majorly excited but I was at the very least willing to look at the subjects. Today, I wanted to jump off the window(which is easy because my new classroom has windows without bars). I'm shockingly indifferent.I have no idea how I'm going to drag through with this apathy on my back for the rest of the semester. I am terrified now at the prospect of giving a shit about it later when my internals come up.Oh man, I hate engineering. Seriously!

Well, three classes of pure, mind fucking boredom wasn't the only reason it was the longest day of my life.I spent three hours on the phone, wondering where this one's heading, a little happy, a little hopeful but a lot more worried and thinking and all.You know when I was in high school, I had a new crush every two weeks and I was happy!I dint have to think 'Where is it heading?' or 'Can I see a future with him?'. And now every single guy makes me think of what impression he'd make on my parents!Is this what growing up is supposed to feel like?I want to go back to high school again! OK, I probably think too much about silly things and make a big deal out of nothing but let us face the facts. I'm not getting any younger. Every time I 'make a connection' with a guy, I begin thinking about the future.I need to know the guy at least for two or three years to say that I know a lot about him.And I need some more time to be sure 'He's the one!'.And then think about the future, or rather live the future.And if I waste my time now 'making a connection' and find out that the line is busy and then later spend God knows how many awful days trying to move on, I'm just getting closer to being 26(the age at which I plan to tie the knot) and face the prospect of my parents finding someone for me.Ugh! Or maybe, I'm just proving to everyone around me that I'm more than just 'slightly neurotic'. Hm.

I had major issues with my friend and as I spoke about them to her and cleared the nauseatingly, awkward air, I realised how much she'd meant to me in the past and how much I don't need her now.Not that I don't like her anymore.I always will. But she used to be my safety net to bounce back on and now I've willingly cut the cord.It feels nice to place every single person involved in your life on an equal standing.It lowers your expectations from others, makes you stronger in facing your troubles(I feel so pretentious when I say 'troubles') and makes you more emotionally independent. It has made me so.And I love it.This is my 'happy place'. Finally!

I am a little sad that I might have come to a point where I don't care too much about what is happening to the people around me but I guess I'm happier and since everyone knows I'm quite selfish, I'll stick to this. Too many realisations in one day, no? That's why the title!

So back to today, I'm all fine now.No more mopey and depressed.Although I do miss being depressed.I think I wrote better when I was.

P.S- I might have gone a little crazy due to too much going on in 24 hours. Exhibit 1.

My feet, Devika's hand on the left and Kannika's on the right. I know my feet are horrendous. More about that some day.

Dus ka dum!

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Operator

She wipes the receiver everyday with a motherly affection. She watches college kids proclaim undying love to teenage drama queens; mothers desperately feeding on the intonation of their sons' bored voices; exam results; bad news. Everyday witness to a thousand conversations. Clandestine whispers, unaware of her presence; as if their importance was in no way undermined or enhanced in her presence. A listener. Always.

And in the afternoons, when people are too sleepy to talk, she looks at the phone longingly. The phone never stops ringing in her booth. But it's always ringing for someone else...

You know you are PMSing when...

1) You cry watching 'His story III' , Scrubs season 5, episode 19 and want to give Janitor a hug.
2) You cry when your cat isn't responding to your affection because he's jealous of the attention you've been giving the new kittens.
3) You cry when you're talking to your friend about the last time you cried.
4) You cry because your feet hurt.
5) And you cry because when you started writing this, you thought you had more things to cry about and you got a lousy 5!
Oh yes, BAWL!
P.S- I want someone to sing this for/about me and mean it!

And then I knew...

I did not feel right,
The first time I heard your voice.
Nor did it fit perfectly,
When your hand held mine.
Even as we sang
Our favourite songs off key,
Some note always felt missing...

We cried at the same movies
And read our poems to each other
Between the lazy siestas
Breathing life into one another...

And then,
On that eventful night
When I happened to wake up
At 2am
I saw a smile on your face
As you slept
And travelled back to your childhood
Your innocence
Shone through
My mask of uncertainty
And I knew,
I knew that hugs and kisses
Riffs and verses
Would probably never matter to me
As much as your dreamy smile
Your indifferent dedication
To all the endless nights
I cried myself to sleep
Before I met you...

Then I knew...

Huh?!

I went to a pest control store today. Saw a dead rat in the corner.

Lower than rock bottom

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy?!"

- Kate Winslet in 'The Holiday'.
I could not agree more.