Monday, March 3, 2008

Hold on!

I don't know why I'm feeling low today.Its probably because I'm tensed(attendance!) or because I'm feeling left out again.I'm surrounded, at least for twelve hours a day, by people I love , people who love me.But the inexplicability of this loneliness kills me.Sometimes there just aren't enough reasons to feel lonely.Most times there are no reasons to feel lonely.And the minimality of alibi bums me out.

Have you felt the insane feeling where everyone around you has somebody and you have no one to hold onto?You're in a huge crowd of people, who are laughing,talking and having a great deal of fun.You join them too.You laugh along.But you still feel like a separate entity.A small part refusing to intersperse with the whole.Does everyone in the crowd feel that way or is it just you?Is it your own fault that you feel distanced from others?Is it that they do not understand you or is it because you don't try to be understood?

The most cliche line has to be 'Something to hold onto'.I've read it, heard it, sang it and wrote it.And yet I do not know if I understand it.It maybe because of the fact that I'm afraid to be completely free.Maybe I need conditional restrain.If I were never afraid of letting myself go completely,I would never feel low.But I do.I don't want to.

I am only human.I have my own dreams and expectations.The problem is I include others in them as well.I dream of somebody.I dream to be with somebody.I never dream of being somebody.I expect others to understand me,feel what I feel.I never expect myself to not need somebody.I probably experience all of these random thoughts and musings because I'm a little too rigid about the something I want to hold onto.I need that something to be mine alone. Undivided attention.Maybe I need to loosen up.Not be so uptight.And the fact remains that I'm waiting for the right person.Not just any person will do.I've made the mistake before and the repercussions were heart-breaking.I will just bide my time and wait for either the karmic connection to spark or make do with the next best.Its not that I desperately want to be un-single.I love the independence and the privacy my singledom offers me.But just some times, oh so few times, its good to fall back on committed shoulders.

This helped.Not so low anymore.Speaking of low, there's a song called 'Low' by Coldplay,which has these lines:

"You mean more,mean more to me,
Than any colour, I can see............"

Someone to love.Sigh.


Wyntey said...

hmm .. i know what you mean. ordinarily i would have recommended a pet and loads of ice cream. but this seems to be idle musings ...
do you ever wonder that when you grow older,independent and experience joy in your achievements that you may find no other void in your life? and then, the typical indian attitude of wanting to see you "settled" will prove to be no less than an annoying pain in the neck?

Ed Vis said...

Shruti, I am impressed by all your blogs.

You have very good command of language. Please do not misunderstand me.... You have capability "to make something out of nothing." That is a plus. Normally only very good writers have that capability.

Have you thought of writing a novel?

Shruti said...

thanks a lot ed vis!your comment definitely made my day!well check out my latest post and u'll know that i have been abstaining from writing for an indefinite span of time for personal reasons....but yeah, the thought has crossed my mind and will probably do so in the near future....thanks again for dropping by!