Friday, March 21, 2008

Broken but repairable

Life isn't life if its not an overslept, underachieved mess.
-Shruti Sardeshpande.

Something in me broke today.Or I prefer the word, snapped.Yes, snapped like a cinnamon stick.I think it was my spirit.Spirit.Or in college talk, the happy-go-lucky charm I had that people envied.Snap!

Monday was the last day for submission of assignments.The lecturers set a bunch of questions, very predictable and expected ones and we're supposed to write down the answers in an ordered manner and submit them before/on deadline.I had five assignments to complete and a month long time to do so.I did not/could not submit a single one on Monday.And that's what broke my heart.Or if you remember the mediocre, previous lines, snapped my spirit.

Normally, this does not/would not have bothered me.I, to be very crude and yet honest, don't give a fuck anymore about marks and evaluation.So I would have probably worried for sometime, making up arbit(blame you Kriti!) excuses to explain the late submission or most likely be of the take-em-or-leave-em mentality.But this situation of mine took the life out of me.How can I be so anarchical?There is absolutely no order in my life.I follow a routine just because my college follows one.My life is as indisciplined as the parthenium growing in the field which overlooks my locality.Its absolute piss, the way I live.I was never this irresponsible.I turned out to be that way and if I think about it real hard I realise that the turning-out thingy wasn't quantised.It was like an evolutionary process and gradually, I started this vicious cycle of cutting classes, making up excuses, being happy with a math score of 50% and fell into this pit of my overused writing capability of almost every mundanity in my life that can extend to a page and an intense disregard for rules and responsibilities.I can probably wade right now but I believe the damage is done.

Its going to be a lot more difficult when I'll start working because obviously my employers won't buy the* looking down on the ground* I-wasn't-well-sir excuse for crossing a deadline.I'll be straightaway fired!Without references to say the least.

A few days ago, I was in love with the word 'procrastination' and I diligently acted accordingly(how ironic!).All the lethargy and last-time-I-swear were frowned upon but passed along as the student life vagaries.And now I'm shifted 180 degrees(or 270 if I began at 90!) and I have lost every ounce of control and purpose in life.I'm in some techni-coloured motion picture but it ain't glossy, cinematography neat.Its some sordid, fluidy, scrubby mass and I'm just surviving here, disoriented to the maximum and as directionless as a paper signboard in Thar!(or some other windy place).The sense of control I used to derive from the ultimate, second to none joy of riding my black Honda Activa was all ruined today as I narrowly escaped banging into a motorist.And in that racing hearted, adrenaline scented, profane moment, the ride was my life or life was my ride, both pretty much the same, I had an epiphany of how wrong the ride was and how meaningless my life is turning out to be.Of course, there are supposedly bigger truths(plural?) to think about but(to quote Rhett in the most inappropriately shameless manner) 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!'I finally know my problem and can work towards a solution and somehow today with all its mundane cheerlessness and commonplace stink, may very well have shaped the course of my future.So I've made a vow to myself(which otherwise I would not have kept up but as this is an emotionally and what I'd like to believe an intellectually charged moment)I shall not write until I rejuvenate my broken but not shattered spirit.As much as I love to write and have every reason to believe I live to do so too, I will find my purpose and work my way up to the highest position of my self evaluated pedestal.Once I'm there, I can look down or rather back at my past and ridicule it and feel a million times wiser and/or better.I will be a better person and a sincere one and will then probably deserve the pen with which I write and the paper on which I write.Till then, I'm lying low with the writing.So long then.It might take a lot of time.............

Then she asked me:"When do you know you've overdone it?"
And I replied:"When you italicise something as stupid as this!"


Kriti said...

It's Your thought. Your life. I have nothing to say.
Won't simply rant something 'arbit' here :P

wisegirl said...

reading your blog.. nice... i used to be like that. completely indifferent to everything but sometime in 2nd year b.e i snapped out of it. most people do. no worries