Monday, March 17, 2008

Scarlet fever.

I had a fever last night.After a long time.I mean, I don't keep falling ill at the drop of a hat but once in few months is considered normal.Even healthy.I hadn't had a fever(like with temperature and all) for a long time.I have had sinus problems.The hacking, wheezing cough, the runny nose and the face-paining headaches.Fever was something so forgotten, it seemed new this time.

I don't what it is about fever that makes me think about the word 'rosy'.The rose tinted windows near the roof letting in the now red sunlight at churches, the colour, the heat associated with the colour, some colour of a rash, a blush.Just rosy.And it was rosy this time too.First the heat, inside the body, the heat outside the body; no strength to even lift up your hand to take Vicks from the other side of the bed, no strength left to even turn on the other side.And then suddenly it all changes.Its 2 am and you feel like you have been wrapped in layers and layers of wool.Someone is holding you down and smothering you with so many clothes you can't breathe.You keep pushing the invisible layers off you and they just keep growing.And there are dark shapes all around you, with many more blankets and many more layers to cover you.And I woke with a start, my top wet with sweat.I had been sweating like crazy because the fever was getting reduced.And the minimal strength I had is wasted in throwing the blanket and the extra pillows away.And the panting for breath doesn't stop.Even if all I have done is sleep.

Have you had times when thoughts hurt?I had it last night, as I was sweating and heating up again, my head hurt because there were too many thoughts and somehow I couldn't make it stop.They just kept swirling in and out, random and stupid and unnecessary but present in my head all the same, hurting so bad, I buried my head under the pillow till sleep, the painful, welcome sleep crept in to hush the thoughts and awaken the dreams.

Its 3 am now and the breathing is better.So is the air supply to my skin.And the nightmares are reduced as my mother is sitting next to me now, stroking my wet hair and feeling my forehead again.My parched lips feel stuck together.Mum gives me water but it tastes bitter in my mouth.And the fever is back now.I'm feeling hotter and rosier.And somehow I always associate a fever with some kind of a sexual build up inside me that lets itself out in the form of heat.My dreams are a mixture of some kind of nightmares where I'm running towards some place and there are instructions written, there are directions and signboards and maps but I can't find my way.I have had the getting-lost-despite-all-the-resources-dreams when I have a fever since I was a little girl.I'd scream for help, to lead me to the place I want to go and I'd wake up to see my parents pacifying me.Its always been the same dreams.And I always associate these dreams with fever.

Its all rosy again.Not so hot anymore though.Maybe its coming down....

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