I had promised myself I wouldn't be the one to get hurt at the end of all this.But promises are meant to be broken, even if they are made to oneself.I think I've reached a point in my life where I just let things happen to me and I feel control-less, even of the trivial details.Hangover?Still trying to hold on to him?In love with his 'idea'?Too disappointed that he dint turn out the way I expected?Yes, to all the questions.I can't believe I was trying so hard to make him a part of my life somehow.Just the thought that he'd be there in my life; as a tour guide when I visit his hometown, the most drunk guest at my wedding, the brother you could borrow money from and not feel guilty, the sympathetic ear you could call up in the middle of the night and talk about your latest failed relationship, the hard hitting practical advisor telling me to get real, just being there in the background of my monochromatic life, waving with a satisfaction that it's all good.Was I expecting too much?Maybe, I've been guilty of that several times.But why does life always want to remind me that I need to be real?Can I not dream and hope and live in my world of romance?Do I have to wake up to face the facts?Fact is that, right now even though I seem indifferent and angry, I'm deeply hurt and sad.I've been unable to move on with my life.To face the prospect of my life without him in it is crushing me with each sunrise.The fact that every stupid thing that I see or hear leads me to a memory of a conversation I had with him.The fact that those inane conversations meant so much to me and nothing to him.The fact that there aren't going to be any more conversations.The fact that I feel so pathetically vulnerable and seeing him smile, so unbothered, kills me with a slow patient pace. Facts?Oh yes, they're right on the table.But am I fool if I choose not to hurt my sensitive palate and opt for fantasy instead?A fantasy where he comes up to me to surprise me with a sweet gesture or says with a straight, honest face that he'll make it up to me somehow; a fantasy where he'll smile his wicked smile and I start singing 'I'll be alright' in my head.It seems so silly, innit?But then again, he liked silly...
P.S-1)I'll always remember his voice.
2)I think I'm much better now.
3)No, it wasn't love.
4)Ten posts on him and I'm finally calling it quits.My new muse, where art thou?
1 comment:
"The fact that every stupid thing that I see or hear leads me to a memory of a conversation I had with him.The fact that those inane conversations meant so much to me and nothing to him." They mean nothing to him right now , but when he faces the ordeal of starting up with another person all over again he will go thru the same thing.Wait for that one phone call, one msg ,one look in the eye tat says "wish i had handled things differently ".If u r true to u r self u know tat u will feel as much victorious with his guilt as with his acceptance!! in the end winning's everything!!
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